


On My Way

by TinCanTelephone



Category: Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (2016)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Neighbors, Angst, Attempt at Humor, Cooking Lessons, F/M, Grief, Hurt/Comfort, Slow Burn, references to movies
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-09
Updated: 2017-10-18
Packaged: 2018-12-13 03:33:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 27,994
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11751186
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TinCanTelephone/pseuds/TinCanTelephone
Summary: Newly released from prison, Jyn Erso is determined to start fresh. But even with a new job and a new home, she struggles to leave the past completely behind.Detective Cassian Andor has an extensive movie collection and no one to watch it with.In which Jyn and Cassian try to remember what it's like to have faith in humanity.





	1. Alliance Apartments

**Author's Note:**

> Poetic license probably taken in terms of the criminal justice system.
> 
> Update: Thank you so much to [@painkiller80](http://painkiller80.tumblr.com/) on tumblr for making [some beautiful art](http://painkiller80.tumblr.com/post/171965340040/here-i-go-againthe-pic-is-pretty-big-so-you) to go along with this fic :) <3

"According to your record, you recently spent several months in Wobani County Prison."

Jyn tensed and braced herself to be dismissed from the landlord's office, her third one this week. "That's correct, Mr. Îmwe."

Mr. Îmwe's face remained impassive. Jyn almost wished he would act like every other landlord and just toss her out, at least then she'd know where she stood. "Where did you live before serving your time in Wobani?"

"Jedha." Jyn tried to sound nonchalant. Alliance Apartments wasn't exactly in an expensive part of the city, but the name _Jedha_ had a different connotation. It made people think too readily of bodega robberies and gang violence. It was the kind of place where you locked your doors and windows at night, and even then Jyn used to keep a heavy maglite by her bed. "I'm getting out of there." If he knew about her jail time, he also knew about her two previous arrests, not to mention her juvenile record, which was sealed, but definitely existed. "I'm done with that life. I have a job."

"Is that so?"

"Yes. I'm an instructor at Falcon Fitness." She maintained as much eye contact as she could with a blind man and tried to silently communicate, _I'm successfully reformed. I'm successfully reformed._

Mr. Îmwe just smiled and nodded.

Jyn tried to slow her heart as she waited for his decision. It was unpleasantly reminiscent of waiting for the verdict of the judge when she was sentenced.

"Well, Miss Erso, you seem a decent person. I see no reason to deny your application."

Jyn nearly collapsed in her chair. "Thank you so much, Mr. Îmwe. You won't regret this."

"It never crossed my mind."

 

Jyn's bed was just a mattress on the floor. She had exactly one pillow and one set of sheets. Her phone and hairbrush rested beside her head on one of the four boxes containing all of her worldly possessions. The other three were in what she supposed would be the living room, someplace were she would put a sofa and a TV, if she had one. Now it was just a horribly empty room with three cardboard boxes.

She sat against one wall of the living room, slowly drinking the six-pack Bodhi had left her as a housewarming gift. He would've stayed and help her unpack, but he had to fly 350 people to Tampa and Jyn convinced him not to feel guilty by pointing out she barely had anything to unpack. Bodhi really wasn't the one who should be feeling guilty anyway. He'd let Jyn stay at his place for the past month and a half, indefinitely and free of charge. Every time she offered compensation he waved it away, saying he was happy to do it, and it was just until she 'got back on her feet.'

Jyn hated it when he said that. Hated to be confronted with the fact that she was ever not on her feet. But she'd been released from prison with nothing, had walked eight miles to the nearest shelter and resigned herself to being one step away from homeless when Bodhi showed up and refused to leave until she got in his car. It was from his place she had talked her way into her job at the gym, attempted to revive her bank account, and basically swallowed all of her pride and used up every favor she was ever owed for the better part of six weeks.

She stared at the six-pack, wondering if she drank all of them fast enough she'd pass out. But she'd never been much of a drinker. In Jedha she'd preferred to numb herself with coke, or ecstasy if it was around. Alcohol was easy, boring. Alcohol depressed you, put you to sleep, and then you woke up still depressed. If she ever paid for getting high in a hangover or withdrawal, she preferred to actually _get high_.

Everyone in the Partisans used, to various extents. Some were alcoholics, plain and simple. Tivik and Maia carried flasks with their guns, put whiskey in their morning coffee, their hands unsteady without it. Some were crack-heads, or meth-heads. Benthic and Edrio were each hospitalized twice for overdoses before she turned twenty-five. Now, Benthic was in prison after being caught with crystals in his pocket and Edrio was dead. Still others shot heroin, or robbed pharmacies for opiates.

Jyn never went that far or used with enough regularity or desperation to call herself an addict, but in the months since her release, staying at Bodhi's condo, she would sometimes lie awake at night and feel her fingers twitch for her phone, to text numbers she'd deleted from her contacts but still hadn't forgotten. She could feel her mind slipping that way again and curled her hands into fists.

That life was behind her. She was clean, out of prison, and out of Jedha. Forever. For good.

Jyn abruptly stood and emptied her open beer bottle over the stainless-steel sink. Upon consideration, she took out the rest of the bottles and opened them as well, pouring them out one by one, watching the pale brown liquid fizz and run into the drain. She shouldn't drink right now. Not alone.

It was only 9:30, but she went into her room and laid down anyway, flat on her back, watching the smoke detector blink on the ceiling. She stared at it, mesmerized. She couldn't remember the last place she'd lived in before prison that had working smoke detectors.

 _Prison_.

Jyn closed her eyes and took a deep breath. She'd been to _prison_. Not just I-Got-Into-a-Barfight jail overnight. _Prison_. For _months_. There were a lot of reasons why she tried not to remember her parents, but right now she couldn't bear to imagine what they'd think of her.

 

She had a neighbor. He lived across the landing in 4b. As far as she could tell, he kept pretty regular hours, like he worked a normal 9-5. She didn't, her hours at the gym varied with the class schedule and private training sessions, but he never left his apartment later than 7:30, and she could count on hearing him unlock his door around 6 most evenings. His footsteps, she learned, were distinctive– not _quite_ even, although without seeing him she couldn't tell which side he favored.

Occasionally, he'd come back late, closer to 9 or midnight. She'd be awake, staring at her smoke detector, or sitting at her cheap kitchen table with a cold mug of tea, staring at nothing. He'd come trudging up the stairs like his shoes had grown heavier and fumble with his keys in the lock. It was almost jarringly different than his energetic footsteps every morning. She imagined he was a morning person.

"There's 4b," she said one night, as he shuffled up the stairs at half-past 11. She was on the phone with Bodhi, and he'd been talking about– something. She'd stopped listening somewhere around 'you should.'

He was immediately distracted. "There's who?"

She sighed. "4b."

"Who is he? Or she? Have you met them? Are they nice?"

Another sigh. "No. I don't know if I'm ready for the whole… neighbor thing yet."

"Are you sure? You should try and meet people, Jyn. Get out there, make some new friends."

There it was again. _Should_. She fucking hated that word. She'd heard it a lot before the Partisans, too. She _should_ finish school. She _shouldn't_ get high. She _should_ try to call more often. Or at all. Like everyone else could make decisions for her. It made her want to prove to them they couldn't. She made her own decisions, bad or not. "I don't need to make friends with my neighbor."

"Why not?"

"I've never even seen him."

"Really?"

"Okay, I've seen him, like, twice. But only from behind, and from a distance. I don't know anything about him."

"You could learn."

"I mean, he could be a serial killer for all I know. Jeffrey Dahmer kept all his dead victims in his apartment and no one suspected anything until they saw it."

"That's fucked up."

"It's true."

"Your neighbor's not a serial killer."

"You don't know that."

Bodhi was uncharacteristically silent for a minute. "Jyn, are you okay?"

She shrugged, even though he couldn't see her. "Sure."

"No, I mean _really_." He was in Tacoma right now, the only reason he wasn't in her apartment with her, but she could _hear_ his trademarked puppy-dog eyes over the phone. "Are you _okay_?"

"I'm fine, Bodhi."

He didn't tend to argue when she took that tone with him, so he only hesitated and said, "You'd tell me if you needed anything, right?"

"Of course."

"Anything at all?"

"Of course."

She heard him yawning, even though he was two hours behind her. "I've gotta go to sleep. I'll call you tomorrow."

"You don't have to call me every day."

"But I want to. Talk to you soon."

"Goodnight." She hung up, glanced at the clock. It was almost midnight. She heard 4b exit his apartment. For what? What could he possibly be doing at 11:50 on a Tuesday?

For lack of anything better to do, she went to the door and looked out the peephole. The man had his back to her, and he seemed to be struggling with the lock. She heard him curse in what sounded like Spanish and bang a fist on his door. Before she knew what she was doing, she stepped into the hallway.

"Something wrong?"

He started, then turned. " _Mierda_ –" he caught himself and switched to accented English. "Shit. Sorry, you scared me."

"Uh. Sorry." Jyn stood awkwardly in her doorway. "Is, uh, something wrong?"

He grunted. "I need to go to the drugstore, but I forgot my wallet, and now my key's stuck."

"Stuck how?"

Another grunt as he fiddled with the lock. "I don't know. It's just stuck."

Jyn watched him for another second. _I don't need to make friends with my neighbor_ , she'd said. And she didn't. But she had eyes. Now that she had a good look at him, she could see the crease in his brow, and his weight shifted off his right leg. "The drugstore closes at midnight," she said. He had five minutes. If he left now.

He cursed in Spanish again and pinched the bridge of his nose. With a final, angry twist the lock clicked and he threw open the door. Before she could say anything, he strode into his apartment and not a minute later stormed out and thumped unevenly down the stairs.

Jyn pursed her lips and stepped back inside her apartment. She brushed her teeth and laid on her bed, beginning her nightly contemplation of the smoke detector. 4b wasn't her business.

He was probably going to buy painkillers, she decided. It was warm for September and the air felt heavy and sticky. In prison, she'd heard other women complaining about old injuries when it was especially humid. He probably wasn't going to make it to the drugstore at this rate. He probably knew it and was trying anyway.

Jyn got up and turned on the light. She found herself in her bathroom, staring at the open medicine cabinet. It was pretty bare, and most of it was from Bodhi, but there was a bottle of generic extra-strength ibuprofen. Without pausing to think too hard about it, she took it from the shelf and went to the door. She checked through the peephole that the hallway was clear, then padded across the landing and put the bottle on 4b's welcome mat.

She stared at it for a minute, trying to decide if she should leave a note or something.

She jumped at the sound of the front door of the building opening and closing and nearly ran back to her apartment, closing the door so it made no sound. _A note_ , she thought. _What a stupid idea_. What would such a note even say?

Jyn was briefly tempted to watch 4b's reaction to her… donation through the peephole, then decided against it. What did she care if he took it or not? It wasn't her business.

 

When she left for work the next morning, she found the bottle returned to her on her doorstep. There was a post-it note on the lid, _Thank you_ written in small, neat handwriting.


	2. Falcon Fitness

"Nice form, Kid," Han said as Jyn practiced on the punching bag.

"What would you know," she said dryly. Solo had helped with a demonstration for one of her classes, and she'd pinned him in four moves.

Han shrugged. "I know skill when I see it. Besides, my girlfriend's a cop. You look like you know what you're doing."

"Your girlfriend's a _what_?" Han may own and operate a legal business now, but when Jyn first met him five years ago he was selling 'medical' marijuana to Tivik.

"I know, I know. Shut up. Look, she's a member here and she yelled at me about poor ventilation in the women's locker room." He shrugged. "It was hot."

Jyn rolled her eyes and threw a few more punches. _Cops_ , for all they swore to protect the city and its people, tended to do more harm than good– they made messes of things that weren't broken and used force for all the wrong reasons, all under the guise of doing some sort of _service_.

"Hey, I have more reasons than you to hate the police–"

"I seriously doubt that."

"Fine. But still, you know me, and about what I used to do. I promise, Leia's cool. They're not all jackasses."

"Whatever." Han could date whoever he wanted, but she wasn't about to make nice with the enforcers of a justice system that had ruined her life.

 

* * *

 

Cassian tried to keep his leg from bouncing under his desk. He was aware he'd probably consumed three too many cups of coffee and it was making him jittery, but it was the only way he could focus today.

"Nervous, Andor?"

Cassian jumped and whirled to face Leia. "No, sarge."

She raised an eyebrow. "Relax, I just want your report on the pawn shop break-in."

"Sorry." Cassian handed her the file.

"Something wrong?"

"No."

"How much caffeine have you had today?"

He shrugged.

"Is your leg bothering you?"

"Only when it rains."

"So what's up?"

Cassian scowled at his desk. Leia was a bloodhound when she wanted an answer. "The pool is closed this week for maintenance. I haven't been able to swim in the mornings." He relied on that morning swim. He needed it to burn nervous energy and give him a level head.

"Oh, is that it?" Leia rolled her eyes. "Just come with me to my gym after work today."

He glanced up. "How much?"

She smirked. "Nothing. I'm dating the owner. Come on, it'll be fun. It's a nice place."

"I don't know."

"If you're not sure you're ready for a treadmill yet, I understand–"

"I'm fine. I'll meet you at 5:15."

"Great."

 

Kes Dameron was waiting by Leia's car when Cassian clocked out. "Hey, man! Thinking of joining the Falcon?"

"Uh, not really. The pool's closed this week."

Kes shrugged. "You'll change your mind by Friday. I switched over last month and I'm never going back."

"Sure."

"You'll love it, trust me."

Leia arrived and unlocked her car. "Ready to go?"

Kes and Cassian clambered in and Leia drove them to a small strip mall downtown. The gym took up two storefronts but several giant arrows in the windows pointed to the door on the left. Cassian followed Leia and Kes inside, taking a moment to glance up at the sign. It spelled _Falcon Fitness_ in bold silver letters next to a small cartoon spaceship. He wondered what that had to do with falcons.

Cassian hung back awkwardly as Leia and Kes presented their membership cards when Leia shouted at man in a black staff polo near the line of ellipticals, "Hey, idiot!"

Cassian blinked in surprise but the man turned and gave Leia a cocky grin. "Hey, sweetheart. What's with the pet name? You need a favor?"

Leia gestured to Cassian. "My friend is here this week. You won't charge him, right? If it's just for a few days?" She appeared to be asking, but her tone was one of someone who knew they would get their way.

Cassian still shifted uncomfortably as Leia's boyfriend gave him a quick once-over. "Fine, but if he maims himself on one of my machines, I don't want to hear about it."

"Won't be a problem," Leia said. She turned to Cassian. "Men's locker rooms are at the back to the right. Past the classroom."

"Got it." Cassian walked as quickly as he could to the back, trying not to make too much eye contact. This kind of deal made him nervous, being here for free as a favor from the boyfriend of his immediate superior. But he was climbing the walls without the pool to go to in the morning. He just had to get through this week, then he could go back to the Y.

He paused outside the classroom, a room walled off at the rear corner of the facility. There was a long window at eye level and Cassian glanced inside. The room was mostly full, and the class looked like self-defense, or some sort of martial art. As he watched, the instructor, standing at the front on several mats in a black Falcon Fitness tank top, demonstrated several complicated moves that ended with the poor volunteer on his knees with his arm pinned to his back.

Cassian raised his eyebrows. The volunteer had several inches and a good fifty pounds on the instructor, but the young woman didn't even seem out of breath. He thought there was something familiar about her… She met his eyes through the window and glared. He quickly looked away and hurried into the locker room. But her face stuck in his mind. Where had he seen her before?

The class was over when he left the locker room and the instructor was putting away the mats. She'd taken her hair out of its loose bun and he caught a glimpse of her face in the mirror.

 _Holy Crap_. It was the girl who moved in across the hall last month, who somehow knew what he was desperately hoping to buy at the drugstore two weeks ago and mysteriously lent him some of her own. He meant to thank her in person the next time he saw her around the building, but he never did.

He waited until she finished stacking the mats and headed for the door, towel slung over her shoulders and picking at the wrappings on her wrists.

She eyed him suspiciously. "Can I help you?"

He wondered if she recognized him. "Um. Yes. I– do you remember me?"

She gave a curt nod.

He was surprised and stumbled over his next sentence. "Oh. Well– I– Thank you. For the painkillers."

She nodded again and turned away.

"Wait."

She stopped.

"I don't– what's your name?"

She turned back to him and looked about to answer when Leia and her boyfriend approached from behind her.

Leia's boyfriend put a hand on her shoulder. "Hey, Jyn."

She jumped and turned to face them.

"I just wanted you to meet Leia. Leia, this is Jyn, my favorite employee who can teach you how to take a guy twice your size and give you rock-hard abs in a month. Guaranteed."

Jyn noticeably stiffened at Leia's name and only stared at the hand she was offered.

Leia dropped her hand. "Nice to meet you."

Jyn said nothing.

"I see you've met Cassian," Leia said.

Jyn's head snapped in his direction with a cold, unfriendly expression he wasn't sure how to interpret.

"We're neighbors, actually," he said.

Her frigid aspect morphed into a glare and she turned back to Leia's boyfriend. "My six-thirty will be here soon." She stalked towards the front of the gym without another look at any of them.

Leia scoffed. "She seems nice."

Her boyfriend rubbed the back of his neck. "Jyn can be a little… standoffish. Don't worry, she'll come around."

 

* * *

 

Jyn had to keep herself from punching Han when he joined her at the front desk, where she was recording attendance for her class.

"Why would you do that? You know how I feel about… them."

Han shrugged, infuriatingly nonchalant. "I just wanted to introduce you, so you know they're not all jackasses."

"I'll take your word for it." Jyn closed the binder with a snap and watched the door impatiently for her six-thirty appointment. "Are they going to be around all the time?"

"She comes around every other day or so after work."

"I want my Wednesday self defense class moved up to four again."

"No can do, we get twice the attendance if it's after regular working hours."

"Come on, I was having fun teaching retirees and college dropouts how to pin a guy in less than five moves."

"I guess the old ladies from Shady Oaks will have to find someone else to tell them what to do if someone tries to steal their purse."

Jyn wished she could record this conversation for Bodhi the next time he pestered her about not having any friends. His dubious choice of significant other aside, she liked Han. He was easy to talk to, he tolerated her misanthropic tendencies, and didn't ask too many questions about her past. He knew about her time in Wobani, but didn't look at her any different for it. She didn't feel like she had to hide anything from him, or run before he learned too much.

She didn't want to know what _Leia_ and her friends would think of her if they knew about the things she'd done. What kind of conclusions they'd come to, if they would question her status as a reformed citizen, wonder whether she was trustworthy. Despite herself, she was upset that 4b– Cassian– turned out to be a cop. He had intrigued her and, however weird and indirect, their first interaction had not been meaningless.

During lonelier nights, she'd imagined approaching him in the mail room or something. Swallowing her pride and trying to connect to another person, like Bodhi was always telling her to do. Then the next morning she'd come to her senses and convince herself that he didn't need someone like her inserting herself into his life. She knew who she was. An antisocial ex-con with abandonment issues and a poor track record of maintaining friendships. He didn't need any of that. And she didn't need him. She had Bodhi and Han and herself. She didn't need anyone else.

Her six-thirty arrived and she led him away, grateful for the distraction.

Except she could see Cassian out of the corner of her eye as she worked with him. He kept glancing over at her, as if he was trying to catch her eye. She was careful never to look back at him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone for their kudos & comments! It's always so nice to know people are liking it.


	3. Emotional Investment

"Cassian, are you aware you are living next door to a convicted criminal?"

Cassian glanced over at his partner. "Excuse me?"

"Jyn Erso has an extensive criminal record. She has been arrested a total of three times, the most recent of which ended with a conviction and time in prison."

"Jyn _who_? How do you know all this?"

"Sergeant Organa told me she works for her boyfriend, one _Han Solo_ (also an unsavory character, I might add), who owns and operates a fitness center. Her full name is on the website. I ran a background check."

"You– Kay, if Leia finds out you're going to be in trouble."

Kay sniffed. "I had a good reason. As your neighbor, she presents a potential danger to you. I have told you repeatedly to move to a more reputable establishment. Perhaps this will convince you."

Cassian frowned. "I'm not moving."

"Then you should take suitable precautions around her. I can recommend a skilled locksmith should you finally take my suggestion and install a second deadbolt."

Cassian rolled his eyes.

"The rate of recidivism within three years in the United States is 68%."

Cassian glanced up. "Kay, that's a terrible fact and I'm not going to make assumptions based on a statistic."

Kay shrugged. "It's a documented phenomenon. Within five years, there is a 75% chance Jyn Erso will be arrested again, and a 55% chance she will be imprisoned."

Cassian snapped his case file closed and stood. "You don't even know her."

Kay stared at him. "Neither do you."

Cassian reddened.

"Your discomfort indicates you are self-conscious of your sympathy towards her, which means you are emotionally invested in what she thinks of you." He sighed like a put-upon caregiver.

Cassian began packing up his things without making eye contact. "Like you said, I don't even know her," he muttered.

"But you'd like to. I would advise against acting on such feelings."

Cassian glared at Kay and strode towards the elevators. He wasn't 'emotionally invested' in Jyn. Sure, her behavior at the gym bothered him, but he didn't want to judge her for it. He knew from when she lent him painkillers that she could be perceptive and kind, but at the same time reticent and skittish around other people. He could understand that.

He was embarrassed and a bit ashamed to learn about her history with the law like this. It was kind of thing he would've liked to find out organically, once he'd earned her trust.

He shook his head. He'd met her twice and they'd spoken once (if you could call it that). He shouldn't presume she could learn to trust him.

 

* * *

 

Jyn needed a stiff drink. Actually, a hot shower didn't sound too bad either, but a drink was definitely necessary as well after today. A client at the gym had dropped her, asked for someone 'with a gentler teaching style,' whatever that meant. She imagined it meant someone hotter, or more blonde. Or someone with a candy-coated voice who beamed at him when he did two push-ups.

She scowled and kicked open the door to her building with more force than necessary, arms weighed down by grocery bags. After calculating the reduction in hours she would have until she got a new client, the cost of two weeks of ramen, canned soup, and frozen dinners hurt more than usual. She didn't need this right now. She needed to make rent. Her apartment was still unfurnished. There was a cheap lawn chair from Bodhi's patio in the living room now, next to one of the boxes. She was saving up for a tag-sale sofa, and maybe a coffee table. This place needed to feel like _home_. The bare starkness of it all reminded her of prison, reminded her that she didn't have enough, had never had enough.

She pounded up the stairs with her head down, as if she could take out her anger on the old wooden steps. As she reached the fourth floor landing, one of the cheap plastic supermarket bags brushed a splintered section of the floor and she turned to watch in dismay as ten tin cans of soup clattered down the stairs.

She cursed loudly and considered just leaving them there, rolling around the landing. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. No, she paid for those. She had to eat them. The universe clearly hated her today, but she'd be damned if she was going to waste food.

"Are these yours?"

 _Fuck_. She recognized his voice but kept her eyes closed so she wouldn't have to see him.

"Jyn?"

He remembered her _name_? She opened her eyes and tried not to outright glare at him. "Yes." She watched as Cassian, her neighbor the _cop_ , picked up her cans and carefully carried them up to her. Her cheeks reddened when she thought of how this must look. What functional adult lives off of canned soup? "Thanks," she muttered without making eye contact. She adjusted her grip on the other bag and attempted to take them from him.

He drew back. "It's fine. Just unlock your door."

Why did he have to be so goddamn _nice_? She turned on her heel and fumbled with her keys. She wanted to hate him, wanted to despise him. She wanted him to live up to her expectations as a badge and treat her like dirt. But it was hard, when that badge picked up all her groceries and held them for her while she unlocked her apartment.

He was quite a bit taller than her, and she kept her head down as she stood in her doorway and took the cans from him. "Thanks." She expected him to turn around and go into his apartment without another word, but he hesitated. She looked up. "What?"

He looked nervous. He shifted his weight to his left leg– out of habit, she guessed– and made several false starts before actually saying anything. "I just– I never really thanked you for the painkillers–"

"Yes you did."

"I know, but. Not _really_. And I was wondering, if you wanted, I was going to make enchiladas tonight. And there'll be extra, and you could. You know, have some. It's the least I could do."

Jyn's instinct was to slam the door in his face. How dare he assume she couldn't take care of herself? She glanced at her groceries. Then again, it was free food and the longer she could stretch these cans, the better. And she supposed he did owe her, if he wanted to think about it like that, so she might as well collect. "Fine."

He tried to hide his surprise. "Good." He didn't move. "You could– come over… now. If you wanted."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes. I mean… yeah."

She narrowed her eyes. What was his game? "…Fine. Just let me put this stuff away."

 

He left his door cracked and she could smell the cooking oil from the hallway. She nudged the door open and stepped tentatively inside.

He was standing at the stove with his back towards her, but turned halfway when the door closed behind her and gestured to the small kitchen table. "Have a seat."

She sat.

"Would you like anything to drink? Although I only have water and mezcal, I guess. Not really anything in between."

Jyn almost laughed. "Water's fine." As much as she wanted a drink, she wasn't sure she was ready to get drunk with him.

He put a glass on the table in front of her and turned back to the stove. She took a few sips and stared at her hands for a few minutes, then got up to stand next to him and watch. The smell of the chicken browning in another pan and the snapping of the oil as Cassian briefly soaked corn tortillas brought back memories more vivid than she was prepared for.

Memories of someone else standing over a stove, stirring something that smelled warm and safe and good. Jyn remembered standing next to her mother on a chair, watching her stir a pot of potatoes, or push meat and vegetables around in a wok that smelled like garlic and salt. She remembered her hands, thin and graceful around wooden spoons and ladles, and her arms, solid and safe. Jyn didn't know if it was because she'd had a long day, or because she'd had a long _year_ , but her eyes were burning and she swallowed. She bowed her head so Cassian couldn't see her face and blinked, trying to concentrate on what he was doing instead of the sudden, painful memory of what it felt like to be held.

The oil was spitting and popping in the small, shallow pan, and he was immersing corn tortillas in it, one at a time, for less than a minute each. He would turn them once or twice with a pair of tongs, then put them on a plate on the counter between paper towels.

"Why are you doing that?" She made sure her voice came out low and even.

"I have to roll them later around the filling. This makes them more… flexible. Otherwise corn tortillas just crack and break apart when you fold them."

"What's in the filling?"

He began listing ingredients and she listened, honestly interested. She felt like knowing how to cook would be a useful skill… something that could add to her new status as a Normal Person. She was a little intimidated by the ease with which Cassian seemed to move about the kitchen, casually stirring the meat and vegetables with his left hand while soaking the tortillas one after another with his right.

She asked several follow-up questions, not really looking for practical instructions on cooking at this point, just to make safe conversation that didn't involve personal questions. He answered in a low, smooth voice, like he knew exactly what she was looking for. Eventually, he was casually narrating everything he did throughout the entire process, and she just watched and nodded, handing him things when he asked for them and stepping out of the way when he transferred the pan of tortillas wrapped around chicken and covered in cheese into the oven.

She helped him with the dishes by a silent agreement. They didn't speak at all while they waited. Jyn was afraid to disrupt the atmosphere, like breaking through the serenity would ruin it and she'd find herself back in her apartment alone, staring at a bowl of warmed-over soup.

When his robot-themed egg timer dinged, Cassian took the enchiladas out of the oven and two plates from the cabinet. He prepared two servings and placed one in front of her. He sat across from her at the table and they stared at each other, looking over steaming heaps of chicken and peppers and tortillas and cheese.

Jyn swallowed and glanced at the pan. "Isn't… uh… isn't that a lot for just one person?"

He shrugged. "It keeps well. That's dinner or lunch for a whole week."

"Oh." She nodded. "…It smells good."

"Thanks."

"Thanks for… inviting me."

Another shrug. "It's not a problem."

"I don't really cook."

"I know."

If she had more energy, she might've been offended, but she supposed it was a fairly simple deduction.

He took a breath, then hesitated.

"What?"

"You could… learn."

Her heart pounded. "Yeah?"

"Yeah… every now and then… you could come over and I could… show you. Just, you know. Simple stuff. If you wanted." He was looking down at his food and fiddling with his fork. He looked nervous again, and it was disarming to see him so… accessible. It made her feel bad about her behavior at the gym. She still hated cops, and her chest tightened whenever she thought of staring down the barrel of their glocks or their barking interrogations, but it was so very difficult not to relax around him.

"Sure."

His fingers stilled on his fork and he looked up. "Really?"

She shrugged and took a bite. It was still too hot and the cheese burnt her tongue but she could tell it was good. "Yeah."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, thank you so much for your kudos and comments! Truly, they keep me motivated.


	4. Inception

"Kid, you'll never guess who Leia's unit is going after."

Jyn was thoroughly uninterested in whatever Han had to say next. She didn't need a reminder of what his girlfriend did for a living, now that she had to see her on a regular basis. She didn't turn around to look at Han, loitering in the doorway of the classroom as she re-stacked the mats after her class.

"It's _Saw Gerrera_."

Jyn froze.

"Yeah, I know. What a coincidence, right?"

Jyn gritted her teeth and slowly turned around. "That's stupid."

Han shrugged. "Don't tell me. But you don't have to worry about it. Apparently they don't even know where he is."

"And they don't need to be looking!"

Han raised his hands. "Hey, only the messenger here. I just thought it was weird."

"Why do they even need to find him?" Jyn was glad she'd already put away the weights. She didn't think Han would appreciate it if she threw one against his mirrors.

He shrugged again. "I think it's politics. The new commissioner wants to appear tough on crime, Gerrera ran one of the biggest gangs in the city."

Jyn sneered. "The _commissioner_ doesn't know jack shit." She approached Han, still standing in the doorway. "Get out of my way."

Han pushed off the doorframe with a huff. "Geez Erso, calm down. No need to go on the warpath because of some stupid investigation."

"Shut the fuck up, Solo." She marched past him towards the front desk.

"Hey, what did I tell you about language in the workplace?" he said after her.

If she had a dollar for every time Han yelled at her for cursing at work, she wouldn't need this job. He didn't really give a crap, he just liked pretending he was sort of professional.

At the front desk, she closed her eyes and counted to ten, something Bodhi recommended. She should've expected this. She should've known Leia and her lot were nothing more than pedantic, mindless drones for bureaucrats obsessed with crime stats and arrest numbers. Cassian was _not_ her friend, and had never been. He knew where she'd come from, she could feel it. And he only wanted to get close to her for his case. There was no other reason he'd try to befriend her.

 

* * *

 

Cassian checked his phone for the fifth time in ten minutes. After he finished the enchiladas, he'd texted Jyn to ask her if she liked chicken pot pie. She never responded, so he cooked dinner alone. He texted her again, in case she didn't see it in time, wondering when she would be free again. 48 hours later, she hadn't responded to that either.

Frustrated with himself, Cassian shoved his phone in his bag and rubbed his face.

He was an idiot. He was an idiot and he'd been kidding himself to think this would ever work. Whatever 'this' was. He didn't know what he'd been thinking, inviting her to dinner last week. He was trying to convince himself it was just the friendly, neighborly thing to do, but every time he thought about it he became less sure of his own motivations.

Perhaps it _was_ a weirdly intimate thing to do for someone he barely knew, but he couldn't quite bring himself to regret it. He found her a strangely comforting presence, as she listened when he explained what he was doing, relaxed against his kitchen counter, her voice low as she asked why he was doing this or that, what spices or sauces he was using. She seemed to fill a void he didn't know was there, but now he felt when he made a pot pie for one last night.

It was an odd feeling he recognized but never put a name to, something that had lingered around the edges of his life for… a long time. At one point, he'd been satisfied with his life, which consisted of work, his work friends, and the occasional short-term girlfriend. Maybe he'd even been happy. But somewhere along the way, it had become not enough.

He wasn't ready to say he was _interested_ in Jyn, exactly. He just couldn't get the feeling of her in his kitchen out of his head. It didn't feel romantic, it felt like… potential. It felt like a beginning, not an end.

He blinked back to the present and the evidence he was logging. His hand twitched to his phone again.

 _No. Stop it._ He placed his hand firmly back on his desk. Whatever he thought, she clearly felt differently. It was just one dinner, he should just get over it.

Of course, his body and his brain apparently had different ideas. "Hey, Leia?"

"Yeah?"

"Are you going to the Falcon this evening?"

 

Jyn stood across from him on the mat like she was about to attack him. "Why are you here?"

He shrugged. "I was told you could teach me how to pin a guy twice my size. It could come in handy."

"I'm sure they teach you the intricacies of police brutality in cop school."

He felt his face heat up and wondered if this was a good idea after all. "I'm sorry."

She stared him down, like a challenge.

He took a breath, and tried again. "If… I were trying to arrest someone, and they were resisting, how would you say I take them down?"

She scoffed. "I'd like to see you try." She shifted her stance, like she was ready.

He moved forward and there was a quick scuffle that ended with him on his stomach with her knee digging into his shoulder blade.

She released him and stepped backwards. "They didn't do a very good job with you in cop school."

He stood carefully. "It's been a while." He tried again.

Again, he ended up on the floor, this time on his back. She released him and stepped back just as quickly, as if eager to maintain space between them. The thought irrationally pained him.

He stood again and adjusted the wrappings around his wrists. "I'm sorry, but you haven't responded to my texts and we said…"

She glared. "So you corner me at my job?"

"No. Shit. Sorry, I wasn't trying to take advantage, I swear, I just wanted to know…"

"Know what?"

"…If you liked spaghetti and meatballs."

She looked disgusted and he flinched.

Perhaps it was time to retreat. "I'm sorry. This is a waste of your time." He made to leave.

"Wait."

He froze.

"Try one more time."

He slowly turned. "I'm sorry?"

"Try to arrest me one more time." She was setting him up, he could see it. She wanted to pin him again, and she would, if he tried to touch her.

He held up his hands. "I don't want to fight."

"Maybe you should've thought of that before you decided to use my life for your professional gain."

"No, Jyn, I would never– How would I even do that?"

"Are you serious? Look at my face and tell me you didn't want to use me to get to Saw Gerrera."

Cassian gaped at her. "I didn't! I didn't– I didn't even know you _knew_ him." And even if he had, he wasn't sure he would abuse that knowledge for information on the Gerrera case, which as far as he was concerned was political posturing and a waste of time.

"You're lying."

Cassian tried desperately to make eye contact with her. "I'm not. I'll swear on anything, I'm not."

Jyn abruptly flushed and looked away.

Cassian did the same. He could almost feel her embarrassment across the makeshift sparring ring. He confessed, "My partner ran a background check on you, but all he said was that you went to prison. That's all I knew, I promise."

"When?"

"What?"

"When did your partner run a background check?"

"…I don't know? The day after I first saw you at the gym?"

She looked suspicious. "Before you made me enchiladas?"

"Yes, before that."

Her cheeks were still red.

It wasn't fair to her, Cassian realized, that she'd accidentally admitted to him something she meant to keep to herself. "I fell off a fire escape last year," he said.

"What?"

"Last year. I was chasing a suspect, and I fell off a fire escape and broke my leg in two places. Really badly. I had three surgeries, and there are six screws in my right leg. Which is why I prefer to swim instead of run."

"Why are you telling me this?"

"To… to even things out. I know you know Saw Gerrera, and you know a year ago I thought my career was over." He hoped she could tell what it meant for him to admit that.

She finally met his eyes.

He took it as a sign. "So. Do you like spaghetti and meatballs?"

 

* * *

 

If someone had told Jyn a month ago she would have a cop's phone number that didn't belong to her parole officer, she probably would have punched them. She still sometimes felt like hitting something when she thought about that stupid little contact in her phone. Spending peaceful evenings watching him cook and then eating in companionable silence went against everything she'd lived by for the past ten years or so. All her instincts carefully cultivated in Jedha told her to that Cassian, by nature and profession, couldn't be trusted. The friendship, if you could call it that, was unsustainable. Eventually, he would give in. Ask her to help with his unit's investigation, try to bribe her with lies about immunity or something. It was the way things worked.

Sometimes, when the punching bag at the Falcon wasn't enough, Jyn would go running. She established a long circuit that began and ended at her apartment building, but she imagined it as a straight line from Jedha. If she ran far enough and fast enough, she would leave it behind forever.

It was a stupid and unrealistic fantasy. Her criminal record, and everything that came before and led up to it, followed her like a shadow, that at dawn and dusk seemed to grow taller than herself.

She saw Cassian in the parking lot when her route took her behind the building. He was unloading groceries from the back of his shitty, banged-up hatchback. He had to make enough to replace it, there must be some sentimental value there. It looked like he'd purchased fresh fruit and vegetables, something she was still getting used to. He commented once that she only found it odd because she bought food like she was stocking up for the apocalypse. Jyn replied it was because she didn't trust refrigerators, which was true. She'd had a mini-fridge in her studio in Jedha, but it was hardly the type of thing in which she'd store actual perishables.

He waved at her and she jogged up to him. This was something else that would take some getting used to. Willingly approaching someone. She supposed it was all part of 'friendship.' It scared her, made her feel cornered and exposed at the same time. Perhaps that's why they called it _going out on a limb_.

"I have all the ingredients for stir fry. It's really easy."

She nodded, jogging in place to ward off the chill of late October. Her breath came in visible puffs.

"Is six okay?"

Enough time to shower and change. She nodded again and jogged into the building. This is how it always went, in person or over text. He would casually mention some dish he happened to have all the ingredients for, or ask if she liked this or that. And she would say yes, or she'd never tried it (in the case of something called chilaquiles, which might be her new favorite food), and then he would name a time and she would come over and he would cook it, explaining every step.

 

Her hair was still wet when she went over to his place. To her surprise, he hadn't started cooking already. Everything was laid out on the counter– pots, pans, ingredients, but he hadn't even turned on the stove.

He saw her staring. "Stir fry's pretty easy," he said carefully. "I thought… you could try it."

She raised an eyebrow.

"I mean–" He was stammering again. It was odd, she wouldn't have thought him the type, but it seemed to happen a lot. "I mean, I'll be here the whole time, and I'll tell you what to do. Just. I thought you might like to… do it yourself."

She slowly turned to face him. "I've never cooked anything that required more than boiling water. In my life."

"Well… like I said. I'll help you."

Jyn felt her mouth fall open slightly as she realized what he was doing. Using his time, food, and kitchen to let her learn how to cook. She couldn't remember ever knowing someone who had cared like that. A lot of emotions she couldn't parse bubbled up inside her and she turned away from him again so he wouldn't see.

She stepped towards the stove. "I hope you like burnt garlic."

"There are worse things." She could hear his smile in his voice.

 

She did burn the garlic. And made such a mess of his kitchen table they ate in the living room, sitting side by side on the sofa. She winced as he carefully chewed a piece of chicken.

"It's really dry, isn't it?" Terrified of undercooking the meat and giving them both some horrible parasite, she was afraid she'd let it sit a bit too long.

He swallowed. "It's not bad."

That definitely wasn't a no. She speared a piece from her own bowl and tried it. She cringed as the inside crumbled in her mouth, dry as a bone. "Sorry."

He shrugged. "The sauce is good."

"You don't have to say that."

"I'm not. It really is." He took bite of squash. Then a spoonful of rice and chicken. "For a first attempt, the whole thing is really good."

He was eating it, so she didn't think he was just saying it, so she muttered a modest thanks and turned back to her bowl.

They ate in silence as usual, staring straight ahead at his blank TV screen. His apartment was slightly bigger than hers, and definitely felt more lived in, but was by no means crowded. The furniture was plain, functional, and mismatched in a way that spoke of purchases made separately and over time, whenever prices were good and it was convenient.

The TV table was one of these. It fit well in the space and held the cable box and DVD player, but was too small to contain all Cassian's DVDs, and many of them were stacked in neat piles (in alphabetical order– she almost rolled her eyes) on the floor.

He caught her staring. "I picked up a film minor in college. So now all my sister gets me is movies."

Jyn felt a rush of shame at _college_ and tried to push away the image of the crumpled GED certificate in one of her boxes.

"See anything you like?"

She wondered if he noticed her discomfort and was trying to put her at ease. She scanned the titles. "I haven't seen most of them… except _Inception_. I saw that when me and… some friends snuck into a movie theater…" She trailed off and blushed when she remembered who she was talking to.

But he didn't seem to notice, just continued to eat the dry chicken like he was actually enjoying it.

She swallowed. "I didn't really understand it, though."

He nodded. "Me neither."

She looked at him.

He shrugged. "It's not one of my favorites. I've only seen it once or twice."

"I don't understand where they got the title… I mean, what does _inception_ even mean? Not what they say in the movie, right?"

He looked thoughtful. "It means a beginning."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, thank you for your continued support in comments and kudos!


	5. Game Night

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize for the delay in posting… I have unfortunately run into the semester and my time to write has been significantly reduced. 
> 
> I promise to finish this story eventually, but updates (to this story and Perfection is Overrated) will be fewer and far between :( :( 
> 
> I know, I'm sad, too.

_It's finally happening,_ Jyn thought. _Furniture_. Sure, there were many other ways she would rather spend her Saturday afternoon, but after two new clients at the gym and a brief search on Facebook's marketplace, she found herself a coffee table. The harried-looking mother of two had helped her take it apart, get it into a box and on the bus, but the closest stop to Alliance Apartments was three blocks away and Jyn wished, not for the first time, that maybe she should've prioritized buying a car.

The box wasn't so heavy that she couldn't lift it, but it was big and bulky and she couldn't quite get her arms around it. So far, she had to settle for carrying it a few feet, then putting it down and adjusting her grip. It was taking forever, and she was sweating through her jacket even though it was nearly freezing. The street was busy, and the noise of cars whipping by was grating on her nerves. So she looked up when one of them slowed and pulled up to the curb in front of her.

Cassian rolled down the window of his car. "Need some help?"

Jyn barely swallowed her defensive _No_ , realizing that refusing would look silly. She was still two and a half blocks away from the building, he was headed in that direction and moving the coffee table by herself was proving laborious and inefficient. "Sure. Thanks."

"Do you need help getting it in the trunk?"

"No, I got it."

He unlocked the doors and she slid into the passenger seat after shoving the box in the back.

"It's a coffee table," she muttered.

He nodded.

She stared out the window at the sidewalk, which flew by amazingly fast after looking interminable when she was struggling with the box. While more than relieved to be inside a warm (if shabby) car rather than outside, she was increasingly irritated at the growing asymmetry in her… friendship with Cassian. She lent him painkillers one time, so he made her dinner. And then he made her dinner again, and again. Then he offered to teach her how to cook. Now he was helping her move her furniture. If he owed her one favor before, she owed him at least a dozen by now.

The thought didn't sit well with her, and it got worse when he offered to help her get it into her apartment, then offered to lend her the tools to put it together, none of which she could reasonably refuse because it was obvious she needed both.

To his credit, he didn't immediately comment on the lack of furniture when the set the box in her otherwise bare living room. "I'll go get my tools and we can put this together."

Jyn waved her arm vaguely. "Oh, you really don't have to do that… if you have plans or anything."

"I don't."

He said it so simply and so sincerely, like he literally had nothing better to do than help her put together a secondhand coffee table, she could only stare at him as he went across the hall.

She had all the pieces laid out by the time he returned, and they set about figuring out what went where and not losing any screws. The surface of the table was stained and it didn't sit _quite_ evenly, but Jyn tore off a piece of cardboard from the box and stuck it under one of the legs and declared it perfect. She stepped back to survey her living room with an irrational amount of pride. If you ignored the lawn chair and the one cardboard box still unopened in the corner (basically everything except the coffee table), it almost made the room look lived in.

Cassian did the same, although his eyes lingered on the lawn chair.

"Don't judge me, I only just got a coffee table," she snapped, although there wasn't much heat behind it.

"I wasn't judging. I was just trying to think if anyone I knew needed to get rid of a couch."

She bit back an _I don't need your charity_. "…Well?"

He shook his head. "Sorry."

She shrugged. "I'll find one eventually."

He nodded and looked at his watch (because of _course_ he was the only person in 2016 who still wore a _watch_ ). "I have to get home."

So he did have plans. "Right. I didn't mean to keep you. See you around." She waited for him to leave.

He didn't, just rocked back on his heels and looked around her living room again.

Was he stalling? "So… what's on the menu tonight?" She tried very hard to keep her voice casual.

"Actually, I was going to order in."

Jyn raised her eyebrows.

Cassian looked uncomfortable. "It's my turn to host game night. We voted on Chinese."

Jyn froze. She knew who 'we' was. She felt herself growing frustrated and she tried not to let it show on her face. She was becoming so comfortable around Cassian she would forget who he was outside her neighbor. A cop, with cop friends and a life outside of helping her manage her own dull existence.

"You should… join us."

She tried not to laugh. "What?"

He shifted his weight again, staring firmly past her. "You should. It'll be fun. They'll like you."

"I seriously doubt that."

He looked at her. "They will."

"They won't."

He frowned, frustrated. "They _will_ , and even if they don't (and they will), you live across the hall. You can leave any time you want."

She couldn't for the life of her figure out why he was so insistent upon this, but he was actually looking a little upset, so she said, "Fine." She liked a good orange chicken and pork fried rice.

His features smoothed almost immediately. "Good. Everyone's coming over around 6:30. I'll see you then."

"See you then." She watched, stunned, as he left, wondering what in the world she'd just agreed to.

 

Jyn didn't work up the nerve to actually go over until 6:35, but she was still the first one there, and Cassian was spooning takeout into brightly colored serving dishes. This made no sense to her– why not eat out of the containers they gave you?– But she helped him anyway and everything was laid out buffet-style on his kitchen table by the time the first guests showed up.

It was a couple, who Cassian introduced as Shara and Kes. Jyn vaguely recognized Kes from the Falcon, and she quickly learned he was a detective in Cassian's precinct, and his wife was some sort of engineer.

Kes brought beer, and he and Cassian began to talk shop while Jyn wandered into the living room, pretending to inspect Cassian's DVD collection.

Shara came up next to her. "Jyn, right?"

"Yeah."

"Cassian said you live across the hall?"

"Yeah. I moved in a few months ago."

"From where?"

Jyn looked away. "I was living with my brother." Technically not a lie.

Either Shara didn't notice her discomfort or ignored it. "And you didn't like that? Does he have a family?"

"No, but he's not around a lot. He's an airline pilot."

"Really? I work for Boeing, do you know what kind of plane he flies?"

"Uhh, no."

"Oh."

"…I suppose I could ask him?"

"Sure."

There was an awkward pause. Jyn took a long pull of beer and stared at the DVDs.

Shara spoke first. "So how did you meet Cassian?"

 _I lent him ibuprofen without actually really meeting him_. No, that was too weird. "He came to the gym with Kes one time." _And I was pretty rude to him._

"Oh…"

"I work there. At Kes's gym."

She nodded. "Right."

There was another silence, and Jyn began to reconsider her decision to participate. This was not her crowd. It was almost the exact opposite of her crowd. These were highly educated, working professionals with whom she had nothing in common. She was very close to excusing herself before she could feel any more awkward when there was another knock on the door and two more people came in.

"Jyn! So nice to see you." Leia greeted Jyn with a wide grin and turned a pointed look to Cassian, who quickly looked very busy with the silverware.

The last guest was a very tall, very thin man with close-cropped hair and narrow eyes who peered suspiciously at Jyn and offered no greeting. She immediately felt on-edge and braced herself for a scathing comment. Something told her this was the partner who'd run the background check.

But before he could say anything, Cassian appeared out of nowhere and said, "Jyn, this is my partner Kay. Kay, this is my neighbor Jyn. Do you want a beer? Kes brought some really good…" He tugged Kay towards the kitchen, but not before Jyn heard him whisper, "Be nice."

Jyn blushed furiously and nearly headed for the door, but Cassian re-appeared from the kitchen with another beer for her and an odd, hopeful smile she didn't think she'd seen before.

"Want some orange chicken? It's Kes's favorite too, so you'd better get in there before he eats it all."

She took a deep breath and nodded. "Yeah. Coming."

 

After the dishes had been cleared away, Shara produced a giant bag of Swedish fish. "Guess what was on sale at Costco?"

Kes groaned and put his face in his hands, even though he must've known this was coming.

Leia whooped and cracked open another beer, and Cassian leaned forward with a competitive light in his eyes. "You're on, Bey."

"Oh, bring it, Andor."

Kay sat back and rolled his eyes. "Must this childish feud continue?"

Shara snorted. " _Childish?_ It's hardly _childish_ to want what's coming to you."

"In your case, a devastating loss," Cassian said dryly. He began clumsily shuffling a pack of cards. Kay watched him struggle for a few seconds, then sighed and took over.

Cassian glanced at Jyn. "Do you know how to play poker?"

 _Poker?_ "Yeah, but–" Jyn stared at the bag of candy.

"We play for Swedish fish," said Kes. "Because we never have enough quarters."

 _Quarters?_ Jyn knew how to play poker, of course. But she'd never played for anything less than real money. She nodded anyway. "Right."

Kes leaned over. "Shara and Cassian get really competitive. Half the fun is watching them destroy each other."

"You mean watch _me_ destroy _him_ ," Shara said.

Kes rolled his eyes. "Cassian won last time. She's out for blood."

"Excuse you, it's called _justice_." Shara tried to grab the cards from Kay. "Deal already, you automaton."

Jyn decided she rather liked Shara.

 

In the end, neither Shara nor Cassian won. Kes, who turned out to have an abysmal poker face, was out first, sliding the last of his last Swedish fish to Kay 20 minutes in. But Kay didn't seem to understand bluffing, and his bets always gave him away. Leia tended to bluff too aggressively, which Cassian and Shara clearly knew and took liberal advantage of. In the end it was Jyn, Shara, and Cassian. Jyn had to admit, Shara and Cassian put up a good fight, but they'd clearly never played for stakes higher than candy.

In the end, she cleaned them both out at the same time, and ended the game with a sizable pile of Swedish fish in front of her and the shocked stares of three detectives, one police sergeant, and one aerospace engineer all staring back at her. The scene was so absurd she almost laughed, then caught herself when she realized it could be interpreted as gloating.

She cleared her throat. "Good game, everyone."

There was a brief, stunned silence, then Kes burst out laughing. He poked Shara's shoulder. "Suck it, babe! She kicked your _ass_."

Shara glared at her husband and Jyn reddened. "Cassian didn't win either."

Cassian bowed his head. "No. Well played, Jyn."

She shrugged. "Beginner's luck?"

Leia snorted. "Don't be modest. It's time these people knew how poker was really played."

Shara frowned. "Like you're so great at it?"

Leia shrugged. "I was never under the impression I was good. Unlike some of you."

Kay sniffed. "It's hardly a compliment to be good at gambling. It's illegal and a corrupting influence."

"Dude," said Kes. "We play for _Swedish fish_ , not our life savings."

"Speaking of which," said Shara, eyeing Jyn's winnings. "You're not going to eat all of those yourself, are you?"

Jyn shook her head and pushed her pile of candy to the center, which was such an unfamiliar action it almost felt like an out-of-body experience. Her instinct when she won was to shove her money into any pockets or bags she had and flee the scene, but here… it was all just for fun. It was natural, expected, that she share. It was strange that something she'd always seen as an aggressive, desperate game could be so casual.

Jyn was quiet for the remainder of the evening, slowly relaxing in the open, friendly environment and listening to Kes, Cassian, and Leia trade stories of arrests and investigations with varying degrees of embellishment quickly corrected by Kay. Shara would nod along and make the occasional snide comment or teasing jab at her husband, but she also seemed to carry on a separate, silent conversation with Jyn. She'd wink or roll her eyes when the detectives started quibbling with each other, or make rude hand gestures at their more absurd claims when they weren't looking.

Jyn found herself thoroughly entertained, and was almost sad to see the party break up around 10:30.

At the tail end of a heated argument with Leia over who uncovered what piece of evidence, Cassian breathed a sigh of relief when he shut the door behind his boss and turned back to Jyn, lingering awkwardly in the living room.

She glanced back to the kitchen, which looked pretty clean but she asked anyway, "Do you want help cleaning up?"

He shook his head. "It's fine. I'll finish tomorrow morning." His gaze shifted to the left of her head and he frowned thoughtfully. "I could use a drink. Do you want a drink?"

Jyn was immediately wary, but the flurry of socializing had her exhausted and wired at the same time, and a drink sounded really good right now. "Sure."

"I only have mezcal…"

Of course he did.

"Which is normally something you'd have before dinner, but… I figured we can make an exception."

Jyn nodded solemnly. "Of course."

He cracked a smile at that. A charming, nervous sort of half-smile that tugged at her chest in a weird but not unpleasant way. She followed him into the kitchen while he poured two glasses of clear liquor. He handed one to her and they sat side by side on the sofa.

"Have you ever had mezcal before?"

She shook her head. She wasn't even sure she could pronounce it, the way his accent shaped the word.

"Okay. You shouldn't take it like a shot, or even sip it, really," he said. "You're supposed to just… kiss the surface of it. Or sip it slowly, so you can savor it. Watch." He demonstrated, and Jyn wondered if she could ever look that graceful doing something as simple as drinking.

She tried to copy him and swallowed more than she meant to with wince.

He grinned. "Almost. You have to be more… delicate." He demonstrated again.

She tried again with slightly more success and swallowed thoughtfully, licking her lips.

He watched her. "What do you think?"

She nodded. "I like it." It didn't taste like tequila, which she'd been expecting. It almost tasted… greener. Like leaves.

The smile came back. Jyn wondered where he'd been keeping it this whole time. He looked back down at his glass. "My sister bought this for me last time she was in Mexico."

Jyn raised her eyebrows. "Not a movie?"

"Well, she got me one of those as well, but this was the main thing. She knows it's my favorite."

"It is?"

"Yes." He took another sip and stared down at his glass, absently swirling the liquid. "It has a lot of memories."

"Really?"

He nodded. "I wasn't born in Mexico, neither of us were, but we visited family there all the time, and even though I couldn't drink it when I was young, I remember my Abuela always had a bottle in her cabinet for my father, because it was his favorite, too."

Jyn's throat clenched.

Cassian took another sip and a deep breath. "The last time I went to Mexico was for his funeral. I haven't been back since."

"Why not?" Jyn tried to keep her voice even.

Cassian finished his glass. "My parents, they… were not from a good area. They left for a reason. I… tried to get involved in local politics. To make it safer. It didn't work out. It's too dangerous for me to go back there anymore. And if I can't go back to see my father's grave… then I don't really see the point."

Jyn tried to slow the pounding of her heart and tossed back the rest of her glass as well.

"Would you like some more?" Cassian said.

She held out her glass. "Please."

When he returned, he said, "Enough about the past. Let's talk about something lighter, shall we?"

"Yes." Unfortunately, Jyn's life had not provided her with a wealth of lighter topics of conversation. But Cassian seemed to be waiting for her response, and she was staring at his DVD collection again. "What's the dumbest movie your sister's ever gotten you?"

Cassian's smile returned. "Oh, that's tough."

"Really? Is her taste actually that bad?"

"No, not generally. But while I unfortunately own a copy of _50 First Dates_ , I would have to say I almost thought less of _Melancholia_."

Jyn had never heard of either of those movies, but she didn't want to distract from the conversation. "Why?"

"Well, _50 First Dates_ is a comedy, so I almost expect it to be kind of dumb– although it is a special kind of dumb, even for Adam Sandler– but _Melancholia_ is a serious drama that also claimed to be science fiction, and there's nothing scientific about it. I mean– a random planet entering the solar system?" He shrugged. "I suppose I couldn't suspend my disbelief."

Something occurred to Jyn. "Do you watch all of them?"

He nodded.

"So you've seen all of these?" She gestured to the piles of movies in front of them. "Every single one?"

"Well, over several years. Maria– my sister– likes to ask what I think of them, so I usually watch them within a week of receiving them."

Jyn shook her head. "Do you know how much of your life you've spent watching all of those?"

Cassian smiled. "I suspect your opinion is _too much_."

"Well– yeah!"

He laughed, and Jyn found herself laughing, too. She couldn't remember the last time she'd laughed like this, her chest loose and a genuine smile on her face.

They each had one more glass of mezcal after that one, but the conversation stayed light, they talked about funny moments from the poker game, Cassian told stories about Leia, Kes, Kay, and Shara, and without going into specifics, Jyn shared some of the more ridiculous antics of the Partisans she was closer to.

Maybe it was the conversation, or the alcohol, or maybe it was just the company, but over the course of the night, they seemed to unconsciously move closer together. At one point, Jyn caught Cassian doing _that thing_ that guys sometimes did, arm draped carelessly over the back of the couch, so all she had to do to tuck against him was lean back. It looked so casual, Jyn never knew what it meant. So she stared at his arm until he moved it, folding it carefully back to his side.

There was a brief, uncomfortable silence, but then one of them said something else, and the conversation picked up as if nothing had happened.

Jyn stumbled drowsily back to her apartment well past midnight, where she collapsed into bed calm and strangely content and fell asleep before she had time to stare at her smoke detector.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know why I'm convinced Cassian is that guy who keeps a shitty car around for sentimental reasons. I just am. 
> 
> Also this movie collection thing is becoming a much bigger element than I originally intended… but I'm leaning into it. So much so I changed the main summary :P
> 
>  
> 
> As always, thank you so much for your comments and kudos!! They make my day :)


	6. As You Wish

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pretty major spoiler alert for _The Princess Bride_ , which you should definitely watch if you haven't already. :)

"Okay. Now we go around and say what we're thankful for."

Jyn stared across the table. "Bodhi. There's only two of us."

"So we'll go around several times. Come on, Jyn. It's a tradition."

"This is the first time we've done this. We can't have traditions." The turkey was getting cold, and Jyn was getting impatient. She and Bodhi had actually managed to cobble together a decent-looking Thanksgiving dinner, complete with mashed potatoes, gravy from a packet, and homemade cranberry sauce (which was actually edible, probably because it was homemade by Bodhi).

"We can start this year."

Which implied future years of celebrating this inane holiday. Jyn grimaced, but was hardly going to disappoint Bodhi, of all people. Again. "Fine. I'm thankful I'm not in prison."

Bodhi nodded. "I'm thankful for that, too."

Jyn glared. "That doesn't count."

He shrugged. "I'm thankful you came tonight."

"No, you have to say something about _you_ you're thankful for."

"Right, I'm thankful I have you."

Jyn reddened and looked at the table. Why did Bodhi have to be so goddamn _selfless_. "Fine. I'm thankful… IguessImthankfulIhaveyoutoo." That really shouldn't be so hard. He'd saved her from being _homeless_ for fuck's sake. Luckily, Bodhi seemed to know how much she meant it.

He blushed and his eyes shined. "Aww! Thank you, Jyn! See why this is a good tradition?"

She waved her hand. "All right, all right. Get on with it."

"Yes! Right! I'm thankful that you've made some friends!"

"Bodhi, I just said you can't be thankful for things for _me_ , they have to be for _you_."

"Well, I am," he said. "I am thankful you have friends."

Jyn decided this little ceremony was over and dug into her turkey and mashed potatoes. "They're not friends."

"Jyn, you missed two of my calls last week because you were _busy_. Doing things with your _friends_."

"It was Game Night," Jyn muttered. So she made a habit of going now. She'd never admit it to Shara and Kes, but poker for Swedish fish was growing on her. Plus, the Damerons had good taste in beer. And she could stand to hear more embarrassing stories about Cassian from Leia. Even Kay was becoming slightly more bearable, in that she was finding ways to reduce his judgmental statements to ineffectual fuming.

"And the other time was because you were… what, watching a movie or something?"

Cassian had recently suggested they take advantage of his DVD collection to expand her knowledge on quality films, which they would watch after making dinner together. They started with Terry Gilliam's _12 Monkeys._  It was not lost on Jyn that the first movie he chose to show her was about a prisoner trying to manipulate a system over which he ultimately had no control, but she had to admit it was good, and she'd enjoyed herself enough to sit through _Life of Pi_ , _50/50_ , and _The Wizard of Oz_ _(1939)_ since.

Jyn shoved a spoonful of potatoes in her mouth. "'S not a big deal."

"But it is!" Bodhi leaned over the table. "You're– you have a good job that you like and your own place and _friends_ and a _life_ –"

"I said it's not a big deal."

"Well, we should still celebrate it. I'm just– really proud of you."

"Why?" Jyn put down her fork and stared at him.

Bodhi cast about the room, looking his trademark combination of nervous and sincere. "Jyn– you were in a really bad place a year ago. I know– I know not everyone can come back from that. Or wants to come back from that. But you're here, and it's Thanksgiving and we have each other. It's a lovely thing."

Bodhi was such a people person at heart– openly loving and affectionate and easy with company– sometimes Jyn wondered why he'd chosen a such a lonely profession. She, meanwhile, had always been anti-social by nature, but had stayed in Jedha when he left and become wrapped up in the Partisans. She looked down at her plate. "I'm glad I made it out."

"Me, too." The nerves were gone and just looked sincere, but Jyn still refused to meet his eyes. She didn't deserve his faith. He'd always had it, always doggedly believed in her ability to climb out of whatever hole she was digging for herself. Most of the time, she'd disappointed him. And he still nursed her through withdrawals, bailed her out of jail, picked her up from the homeless shelter. She never asked him to do any of that, of course. In fact, she usually pushed him away– yelled at him, cursed at him, left in the middle of the night and ignored his calls, waiting for him to reach his limit. Waiting for him to wash his hands of her for good, dismiss her like the lost cause she was and get on with his life.

She realized they'd both come from the same place– children of the foster system, shuffled around between temporary homes, from lukewarm parent to lukewarm parent. Interviewed again and again but never adopted. When Jyn used to hear other kids say, "I'm on my way home," as she left school to go back to wherever she was living that month, hot, angry bitterness would fill her chest and make her want to hit something, or scream, or run. It was only ever the last word that bothered her. _Home_ was a foreign concept, something other people had, but not her. Even when she was lying in her generic-looking bedroom, she didn't feel like she was home. It was just another place, another stop. She was always _on her way_ , but never _home_.

"Is everything okay?" Bodhi noticed she'd stopped eating.

Jyn looked around. Cozy and familiar as Bodhi's condo was, tonight she'd go back to her own place, her own apartment. She would go home. She smiled. "Yeah."

 

Bodhi had a rare week in town after Thanksgiving and the gym was still closed, so they had more time together than Jyn was used to. At Bodhi's insistence, they went furniture shopping. Sort of. Jyn refused to let him help pay, and in the end she decided she could only afford to get a cheap metal frame for her bed and a chest of drawers, because she was tired of living out of cardboard boxes. Bodhi helped her move them into her place, and gave her one of his side tables to use as a nightstand.

Her bedroom completed, he looked at her living room, with it's coffee table and lawn chair and cardboard box. "If you'd let me help, we could've gotten you a couch."

She shook her head. "I'll get one eventually. I'm saving up."

"But it just looks so…" He was too polite to say _sad_.

"I'm saving up." She didn't need any more debt to Bodhi. Already she could probably spend the rest of her life trying to pay him back for everything he'd done and it wouldn't be enough.

"Where'd you get the coffee table?"

"Used from the internet."

"How'd you get it together?"

"My neighbor lent me his tools."

"Is this the neighbor with all the movies?" Bodhi turned her and grinned.

Jyn felt her ears get hot. "Yeah."

"So… you cook with him, watch movies and build coffee tables?"

 _And we go to game night._ "Yeah."

Bodhi rocked forward on his heels. "When are you seeing him again?"

Jyn carefully shrugged and reached into the fridge for a few beers, hot and sweaty from assembling her bed.

"Do you see him… often?"

 _Once or twice a week_. She shrugged again.

"Do you like him?" His grin, if possible, got wider.

She glared. "He's a good neighbor."

Bodhi accepted the beer and backed off. "Okay, fine. I'm just glad you're making friends, that's all." But he had that contented smile on his face that made Jyn feel bad again for every time she'd disappointed him.

 

A cold snap hit the city the day Bodhi took off again for Atlanta, which made Jyn endlessly bitter and she treated him to a 30-minute rant when he called after landing.

"I refuse to go outside until the temperature is of legal drinking age." She glared at her toes, in two layers of wool socks propped on her coffee table. She was aware she looked ridiculous, wrapped in a blanket sitting on a lawn chair, but she was officially too cold to give a shit.

Bodhi sounded like he was trying not to sound bored. "16 degrees isn't that bad."

"You haven't factored in the windchill. And the fact that it's drier than a–"

"I think I get it. Why don't you just turn up the heat? I can help with the bill."

"I'm good, thanks." She felt bad for snapping at Bodhi, but being cold made her crabby. Well, crabbier than usual.

He sighed. "Fine." There was an indistinct noise in the background. "I have to go. I'll see you when I get back."

"See you."

He hung up and Jyn tossed her phone onto the coffee table. She stared at it for a minute, then picked it back up and checked her text messages. Again. She hadn't seen Cassian around the building recently, but he'd texted last week to say he had all the ingredients for chicken chili. She'd replied almost embarrassingly quickly with _sounds good_ , but had yet to receive a time or date.

She put her phone down again. It's not like she was anxiously waiting or anything. Maybe he was just busy. Doing cop things with the other cops. She shouldn't expect anything. Blanket still tight around her shoulders, she left her phone in the living room and shuffled to the kitchen and boiled some water for tea. She considered taking it with her, but resisted. She _wasn't_ waiting for a text. She didn't need to carry her phone around.

It vibrated while she was in the kitchen and she nearly dropped the electric kettle.

 _It's probably just Bodhi_. _No need to run back and look_. She forced herself to finish pouring the water, then walked carefully back to her lawn chair and rearranged the blanket before checking her phone. She ignored the way her heart jumped when she saw it was from Cassian.

 _Sorry_. _Can we postpone chili?_

Jyn's chest clenched and her immediate instinct was to ask why, but she stopped herself. It was fine. He didn't owe her anything. She didn't need to know every detail about his life. She replied, _Okay_. With a period at the end. On second thought, that might have betrayed her irritation.

 _I'm sorry,_ he said again. She waited for several moments, watching the three dots as he typed another message. _I've been a little under the weather. Not really fit for company rn._

Not fit for company? What did that mean? Jyn scowled at her phone for a minute before remembering to respond. _Sorry. Yeah, we can postpone._

_Thanks._

Jyn tossed her phone on the table and shivered. She'd briefly forgotten about the cold, but now it felt worse. She'd been looking forward to chili.

A voice that sounded suspiciously like Bodhi crept into her head. _Or you could just go over there._

Yeah, right. Barge into her neighbor's place uninvited when he wasn't feeling well.

She shivered again.

But… his place was probably warmer. And he just said he was 'under the weather.' He couldn't be that sick. For him, 'not fit for company' probably just meant a few used tissues on the counter. She could handle a few used tissues. Maybe they could still make chili, too. If he kept his distance and just gave her very specific instructions.

Before she could think about it too hard, she braced herself for the unheated stairwell and crossed the hall. She knocked purposefully on his door and bounced on her toes to keep from shivering.

There was a long pause, and Jyn almost turned back around, but then she heard shuffling inside and waited.

She took a step back when he opened the door. _Fuck_ , he looked _terrible_. He was deathly pale with dark circles under his eyes, his hair was greasy and mussed, and far from the neat outfits in which she was used to seeing him, he was wearing an old college sweatshirt and loose pants.

"Hey–" He barely finished the word before he had to stop and direct several loud, wet coughs into his arm. He was gripping the door with his other hand, as if he needed it to remain upright.

Jyn felt frozen, caught between running back to her apartment in embarrassment and demanding an explanation for not telling her about the apparent seriousness of the situation.

He tugged the sweater tighter around himself and stepped aside. "Can you come in?" His voice had dropped to a whisper. "It's cold in the hallway."

She nodded and hurried inside, where to her relief it was pretty toasty.

He closed the door behind her and walked carefully to the sofa, where several pillows were stacked on one end and two thick blankets were tangled at the other. He sat down like he was trying not to collapse and tugged one of the blankets weakly onto his lap. His coffee table was littered with used tissues scattered around a mostly empty box, and between them she could also see crumpled cough drop wrappers and a few different over-the-counter medications. He started coughing again, bending over his knees, another tissue pressed to his face.

Jyn tried not to panic. She wasn't prepared for this. She was expecting him ill, but mostly functional. Something that she could laugh off and tease him about. Not basically incapacitated with a scary, congested cough that made him sound like he was dying. Maybe she should've taken his word for it when he said he wasn't fit for company.

Before she could decide how to react, he finished and crushed the tissue in his hand before dropping it onto the coffee table, where it rolled onto the floor. He swallowed and took a few slow breaths, head bowed in his hands. "Kay brought home this shitty cold from his nephews and gave it to everyone at the precinct." He paused and his lips clamped shut. Jyn saw his shoulders jerk as he tried to suppress another coughing fit. "And now I have bronchitis."

Jyn swallowed. What were you supposed to say when this happened? Something nice, probably. She was shit at _nice_. "Are you okay?" That was stupid. Of course he wasn't.

"Yeah." He coughed again. "Well, mostly"

"Do you… need anything?"

He shook his head. "I've been sleeping a lot." He reached for a mug of tea on the side table, found it empty, and sighed.

"I can refill that if you want."

"You don't have to." He replaced the mug on the table and leaned back, eyes half-mast.

Jyn didn't answer, just took the mug and brought it to the kitchen. She put the water on the stove and lingered the doorway, so she could see the living room. Cassian was still leaning back on the sofa, staring into space above the TV and breathing slowly. As she watched, his breath caught and he jerked forward, coughing into his lap. It sounded rough and wet, and from the way he pressed a hand to his chest, looked painful as well. The fit dragged on for so long Jyn wondered if she should go over and do something, but she didn't know what she'd do, and before she could think of something it ended with a squeaky wheeze.

The kettle whistled and she jumped. She turned and found a new tea bag and opened a few cabinets until she found some honey, too. The way Saw liked it. She brought it to the living room and set it in front of Cassian, who was still trying to catch his breath. He stared blankly at the steaming mug for a second, then raised his head to look at her like he couldn't quite believe what she'd done.

"Thanks," he whispered.

She nodded, watched him as he took a sip.

"It's good."

She didn't move.

"You don't have to stay," he said. "I'm fine."

Jyn was beginning to think Cassian would say that even if he really was dying. He looked like shit, worse than shit. His breathing was carefully shallow, like he was afraid to start coughing again and his hands were shaking as he clutched the mug of tea. "Maybe you should lie down."

Part of her expected him to resist, or wave her off, but he nodded and set the mug on the table before curling up on his side against the pillows. He reached down for the blankets at his feet, but Jyn grabbed them first and tugged them over him.

"Thanks."

She nodded again. She should leave now. Go back to her cold apartment. But she owed him. Probably a thousand favors at this point. She couldn't just leave him. She took out her phone and performed a quick google search. "Do you want some chicken soup?"

He turned onto his back and made an effort to sit up straighter. "Jyn, really, that's okay–"

"Not from a can," she said. "I'd– I'd make it. With what you got for the chili." It was basically the same stuff, right? Just without the tomatoes, beans, or fancy spices.

He rubbed his forehead. "I can't really help you…"

"That's okay." What was she _saying?_ "I can figure it out." The recipe on the internet said _easy_. She waited for him to object.

He didn't.

"Do you want me to put something on the TV?"

He shrugged. "On low."

She turned the TV to what looked like _Family Feud_ and retreated the kitchen, heart pounding at what she'd just committed to. She could barely cook and was going to make her neighbor _chicken soup?_ Sure, she owed him, but what was she thinking? She took a few deep breaths. She could do this. The recipe was only two steps, and she recognized all the ingredients. She could do this.

 

In the end, it she managed all right. She surprised herself and recognized words like _simmer_ and _dice_ , and only returned to the living room a few times to see if Cassian could answer questions. He seemed to be asleep when she wanted to ask what it meant to skim the foam from the broth (she figured it out), but was awake (thank God) when she had to ask what a _cheesecloth_ was.

Jyn was sweating way more than the temperature of the apartment warranted when she finally ladled the finished product into two bowls. She'd tasted it and she _thought_ it was good but who actually knew? What if the chicken wasn't fully cooked? What if there was too much salt? What if Cassian didn't like it? She tried to slow her heartbeat as she brought two bowls out to the living room.

Cassian was awake and staring blankly at a rerun of _Desperate Housewives_.

She grimaced. "Want to put in a movie?"

He shrugged.

"What do you want to watch?"

He hesitated, staring at the steaming bowl in front of him.

Jyn wondered if his go-to feel-good movie was something horribly embarrassing.

" _The Princess Bride_."

"The what?"

" _The Princess Bride_." He pointed to one of the stacks of DVDs. Jyn picked it out and read the back. It was the widescreen edition, with another disc of special features. One of the plastic clasps on the case was broken and the cover was wrinkled. Clearly, it was one of his favorites.

She paused before pressing play to watch him carefully sip the chicken soup. She braced herself for a forced smile or an awkward comment to the effect of _nice try_ , but he just nodded and took another sip.

He saw her watching. "It's good," he rasped. He sniffed, and Jyn winced at how congested he sounded. "I can't taste much, but… I _think_ it's really good. Thank you."

She nodded and let out a breath she didn't know she was holding. "You're welcome."

His lips quirked and he bowed his head. "Congratulations. There's nothing more I can teach you."

Jyn tried to smile back, but her chest clenched. She couldn't tell if he was serious. Did he mean no more cooking lessons? Not that she cared, of course, but was that it? No more movie nights? What about game nights? She swallowed and tried to push her panic aside. She pressed play and focused on the movie, which she'd never heard of before but it looked like a cheesy, mindless romance.

She was surprised when it opened with a man reading a book to his sick grandson, and raised her eyebrows at the parallels. She was startled again when Cassian began speaking with the narration in a low, hoarse whisper. The way he spoke, she wondered if he had the whole movie memorized.

He didn't, or if he did, he didn't talk along with all of it for her benefit. Which turned out to be a good thing as she found herself increasingly engaged in what she thought would be a predictable romance. She ended up pausing the movie whenever Cassian had to cough, partly so he wouldn't miss parts of this movie he clearly adored, and partly so she wouldn't either.

He started whispering the lines again when Inigo Montoya told the story of his father's murder before dueling the Dread Pirate Roberts. Jyn swallowed when she realized what the story must mean to him. Mandy Patinkin's Spanish accent wasn't perfect, but if she closed her eyes, she could imagine Cassian speaking like that– recounting the story of his dead father in a quiet, even tone, but not so you couldn't hear the love beneath it.

Her throat tightened during the final battle between Inigo and the six-fingered man.

Even though he must've seen this a thousand times, Cassian propped himself halfway up and leaned forward, staring intently at the screen as he spoke Inigo's lines over and over, " _My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die._ " His shoulders were locked with the effort of not coughing, but he didn't stop until Inigo's last words to his nemesis, " _I want my father back, you son of a bitch._ " Then he lost control and Jyn had to pause the movie on Count Rugen's pale, dying countenance as Cassian fell into a coughing fit. He pushed himself upright and bent his knees, but couldn't seem to catch his breath.

Alarmed by the violence of the fit and caught up in the emotion of the scene, Jyn put aside her empty soup bowl and knelt carefully next to him, rubbing his back and instinctively whispering soothing nonsense words. Her heart was pounding in her ears at Inigo's words, and watching him finally find the target of his lifelong quest for revenge. It made her chest ache.

She wished she could take out her rage and frustration at the injustices she'd suffered on a single thing. She wished her demons were real– things that could be found, battled, and stabbed.

She imagined fighting that faceless beast, her own six-fingered man, then killing it for good and leaving it behind her.

She wondered if that was why Cassian knew every line so well. If he imagined the same thing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> …You knew it was coming. I don't know if I can write _anything_ without somehow torturing Cassian. 
> 
> Pls forgive me as I try to make up for it in awkward care-taking.
> 
>  
> 
> Thank you as always for your kudos/comments!! They always make me smile :)
> 
>  
> 
> Update: author's commentary for this chapter can now be found [here](https://cats-and-metersticks.tumblr.com/post/169623712843/and-may-i-be-greedy-ask-for-another-i-love-the) and [here](https://cats-and-metersticks.tumblr.com/post/169627413483/for-the-directors-commentary-meme-can-i-get)!  
>  _[Warning: the first link contains spoilers for future chapters.]_


	7. Invisible Land Mines

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm alive!!! I'm so sorry for the late update. 
> 
> It turns out writing during the semester is super hard :( so now everything takes forever. 
> 
> Thanks to @Yavemiel for the comment all the way back on Chapter 3 that gave me the idea for this chapter title!

Cassian never missed work. Ever. He made a point of it. He was in the briefing room at 9am sharp every day. Kes could roll his eyes and call him the captain's pet, but Cassian maintained he was a professional, so he would damn well serve and protect the city like a professional.

Cassian had missed three days of work that week. But it was Thursday and he was in the middle of a case and the whole precinct was sick so he resolved to suck it up like everyone else.

He tried to refocus on the suspect profile in front of him. But the words kept blurring together and he had a hard time thinking through the fog that wouldn't leave his head. His chest still felt heavy and tight and he was breathing carefully, because if he started coughing it would be hard to stop, and in the precinct the sound echoed off all the hard walls and desks and made everyone look over with awful, concerned looks. There was a knot in his back from sleeping on the couch, and he shifted in his chair every few seconds in an attempt to relieve it.

He heard Leia clear her throat and his head snapped up.

"Go home," she said. Her bun was littered with fly-aways and her shirt hadn't been ironed, but she still probably looked better than him.

He took a slow breath and tried not to cough. "I'm fine."

Leia blew a strand of hair out of her face and looked back at the file in her hands. "You're not. I know we're all tired and this cold sucks but you look half dead. Please go home. As your boss _and_ your friend, just take some more time to recover. No one expects you to be superhuman."

Cassian glared at his desk, but began reluctantly shoving things into his bag. He decided he was too tired to argue, and his bed was sounding really good right now. And maybe some of Jyn's chicken soup.

He swallowed. The thought of Jyn in his kitchen two days ago still made his heart speed up. It was the day after he'd been diagnosed with bronchitis, after finally breaking down and dragging himself to urgent care. He'd been feeling completely awful, so miserable and worn-out and sore from the coughing he could to little besides lie there and respond to her questions and let her take care of him.

He hoped, desperately hoped, she didn't do it because she felt obligated. She looked so uncomfortable every time he offered to do something for her he knew she was thinking some nonsense like she didn't deserve it, or she couldn't offer him anything in return. But he wasn't looking for anything. He just liked helping her, and watching movies with her. And just… being around her.

_Fuck._

Cassian paused in the middle of the parking lot. He wasn't prepared for this. It just made things so _complicated_. She was his neighbor, and he was just trying to be her friend. But he remembered drinking mezcal with her, after that first game night. He'd stretched his arm along the back of the sofa, nearly unconsciously, not sure what he was expecting. She'd given him an odd look, so he moved it, but felt like retreating and he'd been… disappointed.

The cold air was making his lungs itch. Cassian shook his head and hurried to his car. He shouldn't be thinking like this.

But when he sat in the car and turned the heat on high, he looked at the passenger seat and for a moment imagined her in it, staring at the window after he picked her up with her coffee table. Then he blinked and he was alone again. But the car felt very empty.

 

Stairs were a _bitch_ with bronchitis. There were only six flights to the fourth floor, but they all seemed to stretch endlessly in front of him when he paused on each landing to catch his breath or cough. _God_ , the coughing never seemed to end. His ribs ached viciously from the abuse and the muscles in his chest were sore and burning, but he couldn't. Fucking. Stop.

He was gripping the railing on the third floor landing and trying to get his breath back when he heard her. Sound traveled, and he could hear the front door of the building slam and her loud, sure footsteps on the stairs. She was talking, but she must be on the phone, because he could only hear her voice and snippets of one side of a conversation.

"No… no, I don't want to do that. …I said, I _don't_ … Well, he can say whatever he wants, that doesn't mean… Isn't that _your_ job?" She sounded exasperated.

He caught his breath and let go of the railing, but paused to listen. He wasn't eavesdropping. He just wanted to know why she was upset.

"But we're already _paying_ for… What? Why?" She rounded the corner and saw him. She stopped, barely out of breath after jogging up the stairs, phone pressed to her ear and startled expression on her face.

He stared back and realized he had no apparent excuse for being there, it just looked like he was standing there waiting for her.

Whoever was on the other end was still talking, and Jyn suddenly glared. "I don't _care_ how much it costs, if that's the only option, just fucking _do_ it, okay?"

Was she being extorted? Cassian felt cold. She didn't have any extra money, not even enough to by a sofa. She shouldn't be treated like this. He wouldn't allow it.

She abruptly hung up and directed her glare at him. " _What?_ "

He jumped. "Nothing."

"Good." She brushed past him and started up the next flight of stairs.

"Jyn."

She paused at the top and turned around, looking warily down at him.

"If you needed anything… you'd ask me, right? You'd tell me?"

Her face hardened. "Stay out of this, Cassian."

 _Fuck. No_. "Wait, Jyn–"

But she was gone, pounding up to the fourth floor and slamming the door to her apartment so loudly he could hear it from where he was standing. He flinched. He didn't know what he'd done wrong, what he'd said, where he'd gone too far.

The ache in his chest returned. He plodded slowly up the remaining stairs and stumbled into his apartment only half-aware of what he was doing. He went into the bathroom and turned the shower on hot, shoving the curtain aside so steam began to fill the close, white-tiled room. He slumped onto the floor and tried to take deep breaths, tried to will the new tightness away.

After forty-five minutes, his cough felt looser and breathing was easier, but the ache remained, and he had to accept that maybe it was something else.

 

He missed her. He could admit that to himself. He tried texting her that night after seeing her in the hallway, a simple, _I'm sorry_. He was afraid to say anything else. It seemed impossible to know what he could say without making her pull farther away from him. But she never responded in any case.

He tried to put her out of his mind, but the sting of her footsteps on the stairs running away from him never quite went away, especially since he was reminded of her every time he reheated her soup. For once, he was glad of an excuse to stay in his apartment for the next couple of days. As much as he wanted to see her, he would be lying if he said he wasn't afraid of watching her run away again.

He did his best to push his confusing feelings and anxiety into a tight ball that sat like a hard lump in the pit of his stomach he tried to drown in soup. There was a constant itch in his fingers to text her again that he tried to block out with movies. He must've watched six movies in the three days following the encounter on the stairs but if someone asked, he probably wouldn't be able to name any of them.

As a distraction, they didn't do much good in the end because now he could compare it to watching movies with her. Before her, he used to watch them alone or with Kes, before Kes had Shara. He'd forgotten what it was like to watch movies with someone else.

And it was more than just another person with whom to re-watch his movie collection, he was sure. It was just _her_. He remembered thinking after making enchiladas with her that it felt like a beginning. He didn't think he could bear it if this was the end.

 

He followed Leia to Falcon Fitness after his first day back at work. It felt wrong to do it again, to take advantage of where she worked to see her, but he couldn't help it. He refused to let it go just yet.

"Andor." Han nodded at him without looking up from the front desk. "Finally getting your own membership?"

"No." Cassian cleared his throat. "Is Jyn working today?"

Han glanced up. "She took a personal day."

"She… what? Why?"

"Don't know. Didn't ask. It's a personal day."

"Well, do you know when she'll be back?"

Han closed the notebook he'd been marking. "Look, you're friends with her or something. Why don't you just, I dunno, call her?"

 _I'm afraid she won't answer._ "I just wanted to know if she was working, that's all."

Han watched him, then groaned. "Fine. She's in the break room. I didn't tell you."

"What?"

"God, aren't you supposed to be a detective or something? She told me to tell you she wasn't here if you asked."

Cassian glared and Han threw up his hands.

"Don't look at me, I told you, didn't I?"

"Fine. Thanks, I guess." Cassian didn't really have the presence of mind to be more grateful. He started towards the back of the gym, where he'd seen the door marked _employees only_.

"Hey, if you make up, no sex in my break room!"

Cassian resisted the urge to flip him off.

 

Jyn glared at him over her phone when he pushed the door open. "Fucking Solo," she muttered. "What do you want?"

It was so aggressive Cassian felt immediately defensive. "Nothing, I just wanted to apologize."

"For what." It sounded like a challenge.

"For– actually, no. I'm not going to apologize for asking if you need help. I _want_ to help you if you need it, Jyn.I want you to be able to tell me if something's wrong." He would not back down from this, he _wouldn't_.

She stood up and he winced at the sound of her chair on the linoleum. "Just because we used to cook together sometimes doesn't mean you get unlimited access to my personal life." Her hand was clenched around her phone.

"That's not what I'm– _used to_? We could still– that's not the point. Jyn, you can trust me, I promise. Even if you don't want me to do anything, you can tell me whatever you want and I'll listen. We're friends."

"Are we?" Her voice was cold and she was standing with her body half turned away from him, like she couldn't really face him. "So we sometimes cook dinner and watch a movie– it doesn't change what you do for a living."

Cassian was suddenly irrationally angry. "That can't be what this is about! Why can't you separate what people _do_ from who they _are_? You're my friend– I don't think of you as just an ex-con who lives next door to me."

"Well maybe you should."

"But _why_? I– I like you, I mean– I care about you and–" _Shit._ He ran a hand through his hair, feeling flustered and helpless. "Why can't you believe I want to see you as more than your past?"

"Because _no one_ does, Cassian! Do you know how many apartments I tried to get before I moved in next door to you? How many times some fucking landlord decided I didn't deserve a place to live? Do you know how many café managers decided I wasn't good enough to fucking bus their fucking tables?"

"Jyn, I'm sorry–"

"And I don't want your fucking pity. Just leave me alone and get on with your life." She pushed past him out of the break room.

He clenched his hands. He felt like throwing something. Or running after her and making her stay, making her understand that she _was_ worth it to him, that he _couldn't_ get on with his life because now he had the memory of _her_.

But he didn't, and he stayed in the break room and let her go, because despite the fact that he had to believe this was about more than she was saying, he couldn't deny the truth in her words. He couldn't imagine feeling differently in her place, and he couldn't imagine what anyone could say to make it better.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Disappears for three weeks, comes back with _all_ the angst.*
> 
> Sorry (sort of). 
> 
> Thank you for being so patient with me!! Your comments and kudos light up my life. :) :)
> 
>  
> 
> Update: author's commentary on this chapter can now be found [here](https://cats-and-metersticks.tumblr.com/post/169593564053/dvd-commentary-please-she-stood-up-and-he).   
> _[This commentary contains spoilers for future chapters.]_


	8. Spilling Over

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning for mentions of depression and suicide.

Somewhere, Jyn knew Cassian didn't deserve what she'd said, and maybe she should've given him a chance. But her instinct to distrust and push him away was too strong, so she ran. Bodhi would be disappointed.

But Bodhi wasn't here. Bodhi was never here. It wasn't his fault, but sometimes she'd think of him flying off to Seattle, New York, Hawaii, or some other wonderful, far-away place and she'd want to throw something, reminded that he had escaped the life that only seemed to hold her back. Something like the empty bottle of whiskey on her dining room table. She wasn't sure how much she'd started with, so she wasn't sure how much she'd had tonight, but it was enough to make the room feel hazy and her thoughts murky and disorganized.

She bought it on impulse a few days after taking the call Cassian interrupted in the stairwell. She didn't know how much of it he heard, but she suspected it was enough to need to know more, and he _didn't_. It was none of his business. And even if she wanted to tell him (which she didn't, not even a little bit), she couldn't. Because he was a cop, and he would have to choose between her and his duty to the city, and never in a million years would he choose her.

She felt tears prick her eyes and tried to tell herself they were angry, not maudlin. She didn't want to tell him about Saw, she _couldn't_. It was impossible and she was right to push him away. It was for the best.

She stood up and was vaguely disappointed when the room only spun slightly around her. She wasn't nearly drunk enough. She glared at the empty bottle and looked at the clock on the stove. She needed something else. Would the liquor store still be open? She could check. She stumbled to her door and pulled it open with too much force, so it banged against the opposite wall. She flinched, but closed it behind her and paused on the landing, waiting for the stairs to stop tilting in front of her.

When the world was steady, she suddenly realized she forgot her wallet. She turned too fast to her door and staggered backwards. Her hand flew out to find something to hold onto, but the wall felt so smooth and slippery and the world was spinning so quickly. The floor seemed to tip out from under her and she sat down hard, breathing heavily.

She heard a sound to her right and she swung her head around, although she kept her eyes on the floor, trying to re-focus on the lines between the floorboards.

"Jyn?"

No. _No._

"Are you all right?"

"Go 'way," she mumbled.

She heard him come closer. "Jyn?"

"Go ' _way_ ," she said louder. She raised her head.

Cassian stood halfway between his apartment and hers, his brow furrowed. "Are you… What's wrong?"

" _Nothing_." Didn't she tell him to go away? Why was he still here?

He knelt next to her.

He smelled like something warm. Bread, maybe. Or stew. She blinked and the tears came back, so suddenly she couldn't stop them and she felt fat drops sliding down her face.

"Jyn? What's the matter? Are you hurt? Are you okay?"

"I don't know how to make brownies." Her voice was unsteady and pitched up and down with her breaths. She barely knew what she was saying but suddenly it all felt very important.

"You– what?"

"You have to teach me how to make brownies. I don't know how."

"I– of course I can teach you. Jyn, please tell me what's wrong." He reached for her shoulder. She could feel the warmth of his hand before he touched her.

He was lying. He said he couldn't teach her anything else. She lurched away from him. She didn't want to know what it was like and then remember she couldn't have it.

"Jyn, you're scaring me."

He kept saying her name. Over and over, and she wished he would stop. It sounded so nice on his tongue, and didn't turn her head to look at him, because his eyes always looked like he _cared_ , and she hated it. Her parents used to care. Saw used to care. Only Bodhi had never stopped, but all she did was disappoint him.

She wanted to run away. She lurched to her feet and lost her balance.

Cassian caught her shoulders and drew her into him. Her face was pressed against his chest and she could hear him breathing. His lungs sounded strong and clear and she turned her head so she could listen better, unconsciously slipping her arms around his waist. The need to run dissipated with that sound. She was suddenly perfectly content to stay like this, just listening to him breathe.

"You're okay," she whispered.

"Of course I am," he said. Like it was the most obvious thing in the world.

"You sounded like Saw." When he was sick, he'd sounded like Saw. It made her throat close up. Somewhere in the distance, he asked a question and drew back, but she pulled him close again.

"I'm sorry," he said.

"But you're different, because you're still _here_ ," she said. "Even when everyone else has gone away."

"Let's go inside," he said. He began leading her to his apartment and she let him, staying awkwardly close to his side so she could feel his ribs as they moved.

 

When Jyn blinked slowly awake, the room was dark and she was strangely comfortable. The sheets were softer, more expensive, like the kind from a home goods store and not from Big Lots. But her head was throbbing and her mouth tasted _terrible_.

Then she remembered the bottle of whiskey.

_Shit_.

And Cassian in the hallway.

_Double shit._

Which means she must be–

She sat up too fast and the room spun. She shut her eyes and clutched her temples. Holy shit. Dammit. This must be _Cassian's_ room. This was Cassian's _bed_. She had to go. Immediately. And possibly move. Definitely out of the building, maybe out of the _state_.

She pushed the covers aside and moved as quickly as she was able to the door. She threw it open–

To Cassian standing just on the other side, his arm outstretched and a mug in his other hand.

She jumped and stumbled backwards.

"Sorry! Sorry, I'm so sorry."

He reached out to steady her but she drew away. He dropped his arm. "Sorry. I was just– I mean, you're awake– you should be lying down."

"No, I'm sorry. I should go." She tried to push past him. This was mortifying. Why was he doing this? This was so unfair, she didn't deserve it–

"No– Please, just– wait." He caught her arm. "I made you tea."

She paused.

He held out the mug. "At least try it."

She withdrew her arm and took it carefully, making sure their fingers didn't touch.

"It's hot, so you might want to– okay."

She ignored his warning and took a long sip. It was hot, but anything was better than the taste of stale whiskey. Since it seemed like she wouldn't be leaving without a fuss, she sat down on the bed.

He remained standing and watched her drink the tea. He didn't take his eyes off her, as if he was afraid she'd run off if he looked away.

She stared back at him over the mug. "What?"

He looked away and shifted his weight. He took a breath like he was going to speak, but stopped himself.

She tried not to snap at him. "Whatever it is, just say it."

"I'm sorry."

_He's sorry?_ "For what?"

"For… not respecting your boundaries."

Jyn's knee-jerk reaction was, _Serves you right_ , but she took another swallow of tea and looked away.

"Your business is your own and you don't owe me any explanations."

Jyn stared at her lap.

Cassian waited for her to say something. When she didn't, sighed. "I'll be in the living room. You can stay here as long as you like." He headed for the door.

"Wait."

Cassian paused.

She could feel it all bubbling to the surface. It had been so long– "You're wrong."

He looked wary. "I'm sorry?"

"You're– you're wrong. I do owe you an explanation."

Cassian rocked back on his heels.

Jyn waited for him to say something, tell her he didn't want to hear about it, didn't want to be burdened with that.

"Come out to the living room. I'll make some more tea."

 

Jyn pitied anyone ever interrogated by Cassian. Some cops, the stupid ones, tried to get to you by being loud and intimidating and screamed at you until you said something. But in her experience, those were the easiest ones to resist. They became your enemy, and Jyn would cross her arms and stare them down and never give an inch.

She suspected Cassian was the type to stay calm. To walk into the interrogation room and sit across from you and just talk in his low, soothing voice. And you'd believe he was just trying to help. You'd believe he cared.

Except this wasn't an interrogation room. And he _did_ care, she was trying to convince herself. Back in the gym break room, he said so. She remembered. She took a deep breath and another sip of his surprisingly good tea. Her sock feet were pressed stiffly to the floor in front of her and she sat on the edge of the sofa.

Cassian sat at the other end, leaning back with the air of someone trying a bit too hard to seem relaxed. He set his mug on the coffee table when she sat down. "Jyn, about what I said in the hallway last week–"

"It's nothing."

"O-okay. I just wanted to make sure you were okay. You don't have to tell me anything if you don't want to, but I just want you to know that _if_ you wanted to, I would listen."

Jyn was suddenly very tired. She was tired of keeping everything so close to her chest. Of struggling with everything alone. Bodhi would tell her it wasn't healthy, but she couldn't seem to help it. Whenever she was tempted to open her mouth and let it all spill out, her mind would jump to every cop, every social worker who'd offered to help and then called her a criminal. She'd remember Maia, Tivik , Edrio, the partisans she'd called her friends, who had left her, one by one. She'd remember Saw. And her father. But she was so tired. "It was about Saw."

She'd been silent for a long time, and Cassian raised his eyebrows when she finally spoke.

"The call. I won't tell you who it was with. But it was about Saw." This story wasn't going to make much sense if she told it like this. "I should probably back up." Her eyes flicked up to his face, and she braced herself for a guarded expression, or for him to turn away, or tell her to leave.

But he didn't. He met her eyes like he wasn't afraid. "Okay."

She looked at her hands and took a deep breath. "My mother died when I was eight. It was a drive-by shooting. There was no reason for it. Just random bad luck. My father became depressed. He lost his job. CPS took me away." She swallowed and glanced up.

He hadn't moved, and his expression hadn't changed. He waited for her to continue.

"Bodhi's not really my brother, but that's how I think of him. We were in a group home together, both in and out of foster care. Neither of us were ever adopted, but he finished school and left." Just saying it made her throat close up. She swallowed and took another breath. "And I'm happy for him, I _am_. I'm glad he's successful, but I just– I wish–" She didn't know what she wished. She wished things were different, but she couldn't think how.

Her fingers curled into a fist in her lap. She stared at the coffee table in front of her, resolutely not at Cassian. "I got caught up in the Partisans. I know– I know you call it a gang, and maybe it is, but… it was like… Saw was Robin Hood. And Jedha was Sherwood forest. We stole from the Imperials, who sold heroin laced with fentanyl and pulled guns on regular people. We wanted to help the community."

When she looked up, Cassian had shifted closer to her on the couch, no longer leaning against the far end. His expression was still serious and open, but he looked almost pained, and she couldn't tell why.

"Saw was like a father to me," she said. "He took care of me, in his own way. I felt– I felt safe with him."

"What happened?" Cassian said softly.

"He disappeared." Her nails were digging into her palms but she couldn't help it. "One day, he just left. No one could find him or contact him until…" She realized Cassian had gone very still. She remembered who she was talking to. What could happen if she went on. She chose her words carefully. "He was sick. He'd left the city to be treated."

Cassian leaned forward on his elbows. "How sick?"

"He chain smoked his entire life. It was emphysema."

He nodded and bowed his head, hands clasped between his knees.

"I was angry. I didn't want to see him. I tried to find the man who shot my mother. I thought I found him… a member of the Imperials. One of the leaders, who always wore white. I was caught assaulting him and arrested."

"Do you know?"

She shook her head. "There's no proof and there never was. It was just a feeling. I'm trying to let it go."

"Perhaps it's for the best."

"Maybe." Jyn felt her face pinch and tears burn her eyes. "When I was released, Saw was worse. He was dying. _Is_ dying. He's in hospice now. That call–" She saw Cassian look up. "I won't tell you where, or what name he's using. I don't care that you're looking for him. You can't make me." She raised her chin and tried to look defiant, but she could feel her lips quivering.

He sighed. "I won't make you, Jyn, I promise. Please– please don't think that I would."

Jyn looked away again and closed her eyes. She took a deep breath. "I was talking to them in the stairwell. I'm helping to pay for his care now that I have a job.

"You shouldn't have to–"

" _Don't_ tell me what I shouldn't have to do for him," she said, flexing her hands. "Saw _saved_ me when I was younger. I owe him a lot more than what I'll pay now."

Cassian nodded. "I'm sorry. Okay. Just let me know–"

She felt tears at the edge of her eyes again. "Stop _saying_ that, there's nothing you can do! Saw is the _last_ person I have left, the _only_ person."

"What about your fa–"

"No." She wasn't going to go there. Not today. Not ever.

"Do you even know–"

"He's dead."

Cassian's lips closed and the word rang in the silence between them.

"He went off his meds and killed himself last year. Strung himself up in his closet." She looked up and met Cassian's eyes. "I haven't been to see his grave."

She saw his Adam's apple bob as he swallowed. "That's…" he shifted on the sofa. Not quite like he was uncomfortable, like he knew what he wanted to do, but was stopping himself. "Jyn." He straightened slightly, lifted his arm halfway and then stopped. "You're crying."

She glared at her lap and ran her hands roughly over her face.

"No, no, it's okay." He repeated the motion with his arm. "I…"He sounded pained, and frustrated. "Jyn, can I… is this okay?"

She turned to look at him, blinking through the tears. His arm was raised again, stretching towards her. She couldn't remember someone reached for her.

She nodded and he moved forward all at once. His arm fit perfectly around her and she fell into him like it was the most natural thing in the world. She brought her knees to her chest and leaned harder against him, curled up against him with her tears soaking through his collar. His other arm came to wrap around her as well and stayed at her back, his thumb moving in small, slow circles.

She could feel everything spilling over with her tears, something deep and solid in her chest that came out in raspy sobs, something she'd buried a long time ago, when she refused to grieve for Saw, refused to grieve for her father. Something she had never released, never wanted to release, but now she couldn't contain it when she remembered what it was like to hear someone else's heart beating under her ear, what it was like to be held.

She pulled back for a second, just so she could see his face. His eyes were so dark they looked black, and he was looking directly into hers. He swallowed, and his lips parted. It felt like they were on the edge of something, and if she did nothing, they would fall over.

She felt her face crumple again. It would be too much. She ducked her head and tucked herself back into his side.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And things start to become more clear…
> 
>  
> 
> Thank you as always for your continued support!!! I hope you're all enjoying this story, even though it's getting so sad :,( 
> 
> Thank you also for your kudos and comments. They light up my life. :) :)


	9. Let Us Go

_Let us go then, you and I,  
_ _When the evening is spread out against the sky  
_ _Like a patient etherized upon a table;  
_ _Let us go, through certain half-deserted streets,  
_ _The muttering retreats  
_ _Of restless nights in one-night cheap hotels  
_ _And sawdust restaurants with oyster-shells:  
_ _Streets that follow like a tedious argument  
_ _Of insidious intent  
_ _To lead you to an overwhelming question...  
_ _Oh, do not ask, “What is it?”  
_ _Let us go and make our visit_ _._

 

* * *

 

Cassian hadn't struggled with insomnia in some time. There were some rough weeks just after he made detective, and more following his father's death, but drugstore melatonin usually did the trick if he felt so inclined and he wouldn't say he had any sort of chronic problem. 

Of course, there were always exceptions. Nights when he'd lie in bed and stare at the ceiling and feel his brain whirling in circles about an open case, or his sister, or (in recent months) Jyn. 

It wasn't just at night, either. He thought about her all the time. In the precinct during long meetings, in the pool every morning. He thought about laughing with her over stupid movies while drinking mezcal. He thought about her face during game night when she won, or while she was cooking, lips pursed in concentration and brow creased. He hadn't seen her like that recently, relaxed and content. Kes had been strangely reluctant to schedule game nights recently, and Jyn hadn't set foot in his kitchen since making him chicken soup. 

He kept thinking about texting her like he used to, something innocuous and casual-sounding, about the lasagna he planned to make later that week or, since she'd mentioned it, brownies. 

But as much as he wished it, things still weren't quite like they used to be between them. She wouldn't make eye contact when they saw each other around the building, and she responded to his texts in monosyllables and vague answers. It didn't feel hostile, like before, just awkward. She seemed uncomfortable around him now, and he couldn't bear it. It was like she still didn't trust him. 

He understood her reluctance. Technically, he could use any information he got about Saw's potential whereabouts for the investigation but… it didn't seem worth it. As much as he respected Commissioner Mothma, he had to admit the decision to pursue the head of a gang far past its prime was barely more than political posturing.

He sighed and rolled over, rearranging the blankets over his shoulders. He supposed he had yet to communicate that to Jyn. It was a new thing for him to feel, too– the separation between his personal feelings and his professional responsibilities. He'd always thought it difficult to parse them in the past, but in this case it seemed oddly clear. 

His chest clenched at the thought and he sat up in bed, running his hands through his hair. His heart was suddenly thudding in his chest and he couldn't stand the peaceful darkness of his room anymore. He got up and went to the kitchen, flicking on lights and squinting as his eyes adjusted. The clock on his stove blinked half past midnight at him, reminding him he had to get up in six hours, but he was too wired to think about sleep anymore. 

He drummed his fingers on the counter as he boiled water for tea (herbal, not green) and tried to slow his heart rate. He wasn't sure what it was– the fierceness with which she handled every task in front of her, her intelligent eyes as melancholy as his, or the incredible strength he saw in her bearing the weight of her past, but he was pretty sure he was in trouble. 

He'd wanted to kiss her the morning after she spent the night in his bed. He wanted to kiss the tears off her face, and the grief off her lips. He wanted to show her he understood, even though she must know, from what he'd told her about himself. He wanted to comfort her in every way he knew how. But it was so hard to know if she would accept it. 

The kettle whistled and he turned off the stove. He settled on the couch with the steaming mug and wondered if he should turn off the lights and try to fall asleep to a movie. Something old and relaxing in black-and-white. But every film in that category seemed to be a romance, and he didn't know if that would really help him sleep.

 

Cassian sat on the sofa in silence for a while,sipping tea and considering his options. He was out of melatonin (of course), and the tea helped a little, but he still didn't think he could sleep. He tried to focus on deciding which movie to watch, but his mind kept drifting back to Jyn and he put down his mug feeling aimless and frustrated. 

He leaned back with a sigh and tried to close his eyes and relax again. He thought he might be getting there when someone pounded on his door and he nearly jumped out of his skin. 

Disoriented and half-awake, it took him a few seconds to remember that someone with ill intent probably wouldn't knock. 

The pounding continued and he opened the door without looking through the peephole. "Jyn?"

"I need– I need something." Her breath hitched. She'd been crying recently. 

"What is it?" He gripped the door to keep from reaching out to her. He hated to see her upset again. There had to be something he could do, something to make it better. 

"I need you to drive me somewhere. I'm sorry, you're– you're the only one I know with a car and I–"

"I will. I'll drive you wherever you need to go. When–"

"Now. Right now." Her jaw was clenched but tears were spilling out of the corners of her eyes. 

"Ah, okay. Just let me–" He glanced around. He was in his pajamas, and it was below freezing outside. "Uh, come in."

"I said _right now_."

"Just for a minute." He closed the door and guided her to the sofa without quite touching her. He handed her the unfinished mug of tea. "You can have some of this. I was drinking from it but–"

"I'm fine." She sat stiffly on the edge of the couch, pressing her sleeves to her eyes. 

"Okay." He lingered awkwardly near her. She glanced up at him. "Okay," he said. "Wait here. I'll be– I'll be just a minute." He hurried back into his bedroom and pulled on some actual clothes, stumbling over shoes his closet when he forgot to turn on the light. 

He nearly ran out to the living room again, half-expecting Jyn to be gone, but she was still there. 

"Okay," he said again. "Where do you need to go?"

"You have to promise," she said. 

"Promise what?" He thought he'd ask, but when she looked at him like that it was so hard not to promise her anything, whatever she wanted. 

"That you won't tell anyone else."

"Oh…kay." Where were they going? 

" _Promise_." 

"I… I promise. Jyn, this doesn't have to be between anyone else. Just tell me where we're going."

She stood up and wrapped her arms around herself. She was already dressed for the outdoors, secondhand wool jacket and grey scarf around her neck.

He shrugged his blue parka on over his sweater and met her by the door. 

She looked up at him, her emotions raw on her face, as if daring him to back down. "Whills Hospice Center."

Cassian swallowed. He knew what this meant. It could only mean one thing.

"You _promised_."

He had. He promised he wouldn't tell anyone, which he supposed included his coworkers and his boss. He nodded "Let's go."

 

"Why do you even need to find him?" she said as they huddled in his car, the heater struggling against the frigid air. The center was unfamiliar to him and he drove slowly, glancing at the directions on his phone and wary of ice on the road. Jyn was staring out the passenger window. Out of the corner of his eye, he could see the incongruous glow of Christmas decorations on her face. 

He sighed. "We don't, I suppose. The Partisans haven't been active in years. It's all very…" _Political_. "Complicated."

She didn't say anything else until he pulled into the parking lot. Whills Hospice was a low, concrete building at the eastern edge of the city. "Some people call it the Jedha Temple," she said. 

_Some temple_. The sidewalk in front was cracked and grimy, beer cans and plastic bags shuffling around in the cold wind. Cassian could see the harsh fluorescent light of the reception area from the parking lot, dimly framed by Christmas lights that only reached around half the window. 

Jyn gave her real name when a tinny voice asked to buzz them in, but asked for "Gideon Osbourne" at the front desk. She looked pointedly away from him but he tried to keep his face neutral anyway. 

He almost couldn't believe it. This case had the entire police department stumped, but he had stumbled upon the infamous gang leader almost by accident. 

A tired-looking woman in scrubs led them down the hall. She stopped at the door. "It shouldn't be long now," she said. No one moved to open the door, and eventually she left. 

Jyn turned to Cassian. Her eyes were red again, and her arms were hugged around her. "I know you're looking for him," she said. "But it won't matter in a few hours, anyway." She looked up. "He's dying, Cassian. They called me and said he probably wouldn't last the night. I had to get to him. I had to."

Cassian nodded. "Of course." His throat felt tight. "I'm glad I was able to take you."

Jyn nodded and shifted her weight. She glanced at the door. "I'm going to go in… you don't have to come. You can stay in the waiting room…" She looked up at him again. 

And Cassian didn't want to intrude, he _didn't_ , but she shouldn't be alone for this. He wouldn't allow it. "I'll come in with you," he said. "I mean, if that's okay."

"Okay."

 

The room smelled stale and sterile. The lights were dim, making the glowing lights of the machines seem too bright. There seemed to be a lot of them, all piled on the far side of the bed in the cramped room. One of them was a heart monitor, beeping a tad too fast. Another supplied air to the man on the bed with a low hiss.

Cassian had seen pictures of Saw Gerrera, but they must've been old. Now, his face was sunken and there was a cannula through is nose. His hair was sparse and mostly white, stark against his skin. He looked thin and wasted and his voice was weak, but he was awake.

"Jyn." His hand moved on the bed and Jyn hurried to his side.

She sat in one of two stained chairs beside him. "I'm here."

Cassian lingered by the door. Perhaps he should've waited in the lobby. This wasn't meant for him. 

"'ve you brought… the law on me?" Saw said. He had to pause to breathe to finish the sentence.

Cassian stiffened. Saw's access to police records must've been pretty good. 

Jyn shook her head. "No. Just a friend. He drove me here."

"You were always… very convincing."

If the situation had been different, Cassian might've laughed. He sat down carefully on the other side of Jyn and folded his hands in his lap.

Jyn leaned closer. "I should've come more often."

Saw patted her hand. "You came enough."

" _No_." 

Cassian couldn't see her face, but it sounded like she was crying again. He made a fist to keep from reaching out to touch her. Rub her shoulders or her back.

"You did," Saw said again. "You have… another life now. You don't… need to keep… coming back."

"I know. But…"

"I am okay, Jyn."

"No… Saw… I should've…"

"You cannot wish… for a different past."

Jyn just bowed her head and shook it. "Saw, I can't… I don't know what to do."

Saw took her hand again. "Why don't you… read to me. I have… a book. Someone left it… a long while ago."

He gestured and Jyn reached into a drawer and took out a thin volume. 

"Page 14," Saw murmured. He sounded tired. The noise of the heart monitor seemed louder. 

Cassian tried not to lean over for a better look. 

Jyn opened the book. "What is this?"

"A poem… I think. It sounds… like music."

Jyn frowned. "Okay, um. _The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock_ , by T. S. Eliot…"

Cassian recognized it. He had to read it at some point in college. He remembered not really understanding it at the time, but Saw was right. It sounded like music. And there was something about the words and the images that made his heart feel tighter in his chest – a kind of lonely, tired sadness. 

 

* * *

 

 _For I have known them all already, known them all:  
_ _Have known the evenings, mornings, afternoons,_  
_I have measured out my life with coffee spoons;  
_ _I have known the voices dying with a dying fall  
_ _Beneath the music from a farther room.  
_ _So how should I presume?_

 _And I have known the eyes already, known them all–_  
_The eyes that fix you in a formulated phrase,  
_ _And when I am formulated, sprawling on a pin,  
_ _When I am pinned and wriggling on the wall,  
_ _Then how should I begin  
_ _To spit out all the butt-ends of my days and ways?  
_ _And how should I presume?_

 

* * *

 

The poem was long, and Jyn patiently read the entire thing. And when she finished, she turned back the pages and started again. Saw didn't speak again, but the heart monitor kept steadily beeping. Jyn's voice started breaking, and her tears dripped on the pages. 

Cassian didn't keep track of the time. It felt like they were trapped in a place separate from all of that. There was no outside world, with its pressures and complications and expectations and responsibilities. There was just this room, Jyn's voice, a dying man, the hiss of oxygen, the sound of the heart monitor. 

And then the sounds slowed, Saw's breath came in gasps, and then a constant tone. 

Jyn went silent and still and Cassian couldn't watch anymore. He took the book from her hands and pulled her close to him, turned her head away so she wouldn't see the nurse turn off the machines,remove the tubes and wires, pull a sheet over the haggard face. 

 

It was near four in the morning when they left. 

Cassian felt exhaustion crash over him after seeing Jyn into her apartment and barely took off his shoes before stumbling into bed. He didn't know what to think. Didn't know how to think. What do you do when you witness something like this? What do you say? 

He was too tired to decide, and he fell asleep still wondering. 

 

* * *

 

There was no snow on the ground, but frost crunched under their feet when Saw was buried. Jyn wondered how they'd managed to dig the grave. 

Cassian stood behind her as they lowered the nondescript casket into the ground. A few of the Partisans had come. Those that weren't high or in prison. They moved warily around her and Cassian, but she didn't have the energy to explain. She'd told him she needed a ride to the cemetery, although she could've gotten the bus. 

But it just seemed… right to have Cassian here. She felt more stable when he was there, more balanced.

Most of the Partisans drifted away when the grave was half-filled in. Jyn waited for another few minutes before turning away herself. Cassian followed her gaze, and they looked out over the rows of headstones. 

"My father is buried here," she said suddenly. She didn't know what prompted her to say it, or why she felt so calm. 

"Where?"

"Probably next to my mother." As if she were floating, Jyn walked in that direction without looking back to see if Cassian would follow. Somewhere in her mind, she knew he would. 

 

There was frost on the headstone.Jyn pressed her bare fingertips to the cold granite so four dark circles appeared when she took them away, folding her hands back into her coat pockets. 

"I feel ungrateful," she said when she came to stand in front of them next to Cassian. "He's been so close all this time and I never came."

"You were angry," he said. "I don't blame you." 

"I used to think… I was always angry when I thought people were leaving. But maybe it was me who always did the leaving. Because I was so afraid that they would first." She'd thought herself too angry to ever stand here, looking at the stones side by side, _Galen Cord Erso_ and _Lyra Audrey Steppen-Erso_. She was afraid of what she'd do if she saw them. Something horribly disrespectful to the dead, she imagined. Curse their names or kick their stones. 

But she felt too numb right now. Her eyes felt dry. The wind was cold and bit her face, but Cassian was warm behind her. 

"I don't know what to say," she admitted. "Now that I'm here."

She heard him shrug. "Say whatever you want. It's not for anyone else, just for you." 

"What would _you_ say… if you could see your father's grave?" Perhaps that was insensitive or invasive, and she braced herself for him to withdraw, but he stayed close behind her.

He sighed. "I would… just say goodbye. And that I hope he is at peace."

She nodded. She cleared her throat and crossed her arms. She took a deep breath. "Goodbye… father," she said. "I know you were sad for a long time, but…" She glanced to the left, at her mother's name. "But maybe you can be all right now." She nodded again and turned abruptly to face Cassian. 

He was standing close behind her, so their chests were almost touching, and she had to look up to see his face. 

"I don't really believe in an afterlife," she said. "But just in case."

He nodded. "Of course." The wind picked up and he tugged his scarf over his chin.

"We can go now," she said. It was growing dark and she was getting cold, too. After a moment of hesitation, she put an arm around his waist in a sort of half-hug. His arm fell over her shoulders, and they walked like that back to his car. 

 

He invited her in for tea when they got back to the apartment building, and she followed him as if in a dream. They sat close on the couch, and for once didn't put in a movie. Sometimes, one of them would say something, and there would be a short conversation before they fell into silence again. 

Then they were sitting side by side on his bed, pillows at their backs and their shoes on the floor. She wasn't sure who leaned first, or who laid down. But she fell asleep that evening with her head on his shoulder and his arm around her waist. 

And she didn't have any dreams.

 

* * *

 

 _Shall I part my hair behind? Do I dare to eat a peach?  
_ _I shall wear white flannel trousers, and walk upon the beach.  
_ _I have heard the mermaids singing, each to each._

_I do not think that they will sing to me._

_I have seen them riding seaward on the waves_  
_Combing the white hair of the waves blown back  
_ _When the wind blows the water white and black.  
_ _We have lingered in the chambers of the sea  
_ _By sea-girls wreathed with seaweed red and brown  
_ _Till human voices wake us, and we drown._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Citation:  
> Eliot, T.S. "The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock." _Poetry Foundation_ , https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poetrymagazine/poems/44212/the-love-song-of-j-alfred-prufrock-56d2233846c6d. Accessed 30 September 2017.
> 
>  
> 
> Almost done! I'm eager to finish this now because I just started another RebelCaptain slow-ish burn set in the Star Wars universe (plus 3 more unfinished parts to Perfection is Overrated…) and I don't want to be working on too many things at once. 
> 
>  
> 
> Thank you so much for all your patience and support!! Your kudos and lovely comments always brighten my day :) :)


	10. Home

"I just need to talk to her, it'll be really quick." Cassian paced the length of his kitchen, phone pressed to his ear.

Kes sighed and Cassian could hear him shuffle around. "What do you need to say?"

"I– It's… Can't I just talk to her?"

"Dude, we're married, she's going to tell me anyway. What do you want?"

Cassian groaned. "Why do you have to be one of those _functional_ couples that shares everything?"

He could almost hear Kes rolling his eyes. "Ugh, I hate it too. All that _trust_. And _mutual support_. Gross. Come on, Andor. If it's embarrassing, I'm going to make fun of you eventually. Think of it like cutting out the middleman. Or, middle-woman."

"I need–" Cassian sighed and picked at an old sticker on the side of his fridge. "I want to know if she knows Bodhi Rook," he muttered.

"…Who?"

"Bodhi Rook," Cassian said, a bit louder.

"Who's that?"

"Jyn… Jyn's brother."

Kes went silent, and when he spoke again Cassian could hear the smirk in his voice. "You know it's sexist to ask permission before proposing."

Cassian felt his cheeks get hot and covered his face even though he was alone in his apartment. "I'm not– it's not like that."

Kes laughed. "Sure."

"It's _not_."

"Not yet."

Cassian ran a hand through his hair. This is why he wanted to talk to Shara. "Give it a rest, she's just my neighbor."

"…Who you randomly invited to _game night_. I mean, I love having her around and it's great to watch her take you and Shara down a couple pegs in poker, but sometimes I miss the days when you paid attention to, I don't know, anyone else in the room."

Cassian glared at the counter. "Is this why we haven't had any game nights since before Thanksgiving?"

There was more shuffling on Kes's end. "No, we've been busy."

"Busy with _what?_ _–_ Never mind. Can I just talk to Shara?"

"Not right now, sorry. She's–" There was more shuffling and Cassian heard a muffled conversation, as if Kes was covering the phone.

He sighed. "I'm sorry if it's a bad time, I can call back–"

Kes's voice came back. "No, no. I just talked to her and we'll tell you. But no one else at work knows, so you'll have to keep it quiet."

"What? Knows what?"

"Shara's pregnant."

"She's– Oh my God, that's amazing! That's– that's so exciting." Cassian sat heavily on his couch and stared at the ceiling. He should probably make an effort to sound more enthusiastic but it was hard not to think of years ago, when he and Kes would hang out almost every day, watching movies and talking about work.

Then Kes met Shara, then they moved in together, and then they got married, and over time they were reduced to scheduled game nights. Kes's life seemed to keep moving forward, but Cassian still lived alone– in the same apartment, with all his DVDs.

Kes was still talking. "…sorry, man. But she's been pretty tired and the morning sickness is hard to predict so game night hasn't really been on our radar."

"That's okay." He couldn't really think of anything else to say.

There was silence. "So… I'm sorry, what do you need?"

"I just– sorry, Kes, I wanted to know if Shara has Bodhi Rook's phone number."

"Right, ah, okay. Let me just look through her contacts really quick, hold on. How do you spell that? R-O-O-K?"

"Yeah." Cassian took the phone away from his ear and took a deep breath. He must be off his game. He was usually a lot better at hiding how he felt. But he was distracted. That was probably it. It was a funny thing, if he thought about it. He supposed he'd always been lonely, in the back of his mind, but he hadn't noticed it until recently. A kind of emptiness that seemed to echo in his apartment whenever Jyn left.

Kes said something else and Cassian raised the phone again. "Sorry?"

"I said she has it. I can text it to you, I guess… why do you even need it?"

"I just do."

"You're not trying to investigate her, are you?"

"No."

"Well, why don't you just ask _her_ for her brother's phone number?"

Cassian was glad this conversation was happening over the phone because he couldn't stop the flush creeping up his neck. "I… it's a surprise."

Kes was quiet for a few seconds. "So you're going for the grand romantic gesture? Love Actually-style?" He was smirking again.

"Just– text me the number. I promise I'm not using it to invade her privacy or anything."

"Fine, fine." Shara said something in the background. "Shara says good luck." Kes laughed. "And don't fuck this up."

 

"Will you relax?" Kay said from a lounge chair in the corner of his finished basement.

"I am relaxed," said Cassian. He didn't turn around or move from where he was standing, staring out the high window at the street in front of Kay's house.

"Why don't you drink one of these." He heard Kay nudge the six-pack he'd brought. "Since you bought them. Even though you know I don't like IPAs."

"They're for Bodhi. As thanks."

"Thanks for what? I am contributing more to this operation than him and you didn't see fit to get me anything."

"You're getting rid of your couch."

Kay huffed. "But at what cost."

Cassian glanced at the sky. It was a flat, ominous grey, and the weather forecast predicted a "wintry mix" starting this afternoon. He needed to get this done while the roads were still good. Otherwise he'd be set back by a week and a half while he was at his sister's for Christmas.

"Hey," he said. "You said you wanted it out of your house."

"I did not consider the possibility I would have to provide both labor and mode of its transportation," said Kay.

"I'll bring something back from Arizona."

Kay made another noise of dissatisfaction. "As always, I remain an afterthought in your otherwise unending energy to please others."

Cassian turned around and glared. "I _can_ do this without you. I just need to use your station wagon. I'll bring it back by noon. 1 at the latest."

Kay raised an eyebrow. "Under normal circumstances, I would trust you with my possessions without reservation, but Jyn Erso's involvement forces me to take other factors into consideration."

"What does Jyn have to do with me returning your car?"

"Oh, I don't doubt you will return my vehicle _eventually_ , but forgive me if I do not exactly trust your promise of speed, especially if Jyn Erso is present to–" Kay folded his hands in his lap. " _Distract_ you."

Cassian's retort was interrupted by a knock at the door. "That's Bodhi. Shut up and help us move this thing."

 

Bodhi seemed pretty quiet at first, but grew more friendly when he realized who Cassian was and what they were trying to do.

" _You're_ her neighbor? You're giving her a _couch_? That's so nice! Gosh, she can finally get rid of that lawn chair. Or give it back to me, but I never use it so I don't really mind. I'm so glad Jyn's made some friends in her building– thank you so much for introducing to your coworkers. You must've worked some sort of magic or _something_ because I still can't believe her new friend group is all _cops_ …"

Cassian grunted and hoisted his end of the couch up another step. Bodhi was taller than him and pretty wiry, but had the attention span of a small child and seemed to have a difficult time focusing on their directive. Cassian couldn't figure out how he flew _planes_ for a living.

Bodhi was still chattering when they pulled up outside Alliance Apartments, but Cassian had tuned out somewhere around a discussion of the relative likelihoods of finding various Pokémon in international versus domestic airports.

"…And in Dulles I actually found a Sandshrew _and_ a Rhyhorn– I know, I couldn't believe it either– but I had like a six-hour layover and I drank way too much coffee so I was wandering the airport trying not to spend too much money–"

Cassian put Kay's volvo in park. "We're here."

"Oh! Great!"

 

Chirrut and his partner were standing outside when Cassian and Bodhi pulled the couch out of Kay's car. When he saw them, Baze cleared his throat and from the corner of his eye Cassian saw the stem of a blue glass bong disappear into Chirrut's robe-like coat.

"It's medicinal," Chirrut said solemnly as Cassian and Bodhi approached with the sofa.

Cassian rolled his eyes. "Can you let us in the side door?"

Baze grunted and pulled out a set of keys.

"Miss Erso is not in right now," Chirrut said as they maneuvered the couch through the narrow doorway.

"I know," Cassian said. "Bodhi's here to let me in."

Bodhi reddened and began stuttering. "I– uh, actually– I don't–"

Cassian almost dropped his end of the couch. "What?"

"I didn't know that's why you wanted me to help!"

Cassian groaned. This all went much more smoothly in his head.

"Not to worry, I can unlock her door for you," said Chirrut.

Baze raised an eyebrow.

"He has a good energy," said Chirrut. "His intentions are noble."

Baze grunted again.

"Of course his intentions are noble!" said Bodhi. "I would never have helped him if they weren't."

Cassian felt a bit gratified by that, although he suspected the bar for Bodhi's judgment of 'noble intentions' was rather low.

With the help of Baze, they managed to get the damn thing into the elevator, although only Bodhi fit with it, so everyone else had to take the stairs and meet him on the fourth floor.

As he followed Chirrut and Baze, Cassian wondered how an operation he initially meant to undertake alone ended up including so many people. If Jyn came home early, it would be bad enough for her to find one intruder in her apartment, let alone four. He took a few deep breaths and wiped sweaty palms on his jeans. He was loath to admit it, but he had a lot riding on this. He was doing his best not to expect anything but… he hoped this would make her happy. The last two times he'd seen her she was crying and he just… he wanted to see her smile this time. He really, really hoped this would make her smile. 

He swallowed as Chirrut unlocked the door to Jyn's apartment. What if Jyn didn't like it? What if she hated the color or the way it looked with the coffee table? What if she thought he was taking pity on her? What if she resented him for it?

 _Shit. Dammit_. The thought make his heart beat painfully as they carried the couch into her living room. God, he didn't know what he'd do if that happened.

He'd been careful, so, so careful not to do anything that had a chance of undoing what they had. But that meant he'd taken no risks, given no (conscious) indication of how he felt, and their friendship had remained just that– a friendship.

The day after Saw's funeral, when he woke up with her in his arms, he'd wanted to pull her closer, hold her tighter and show her she was safe and loved. He would have kissed her again, if she wanted that, but he was still afraid to ask. So he let her sit up, returned her small, hesitant smile, and let her slip out of his apartment without even making her tea.

So… naturally he decided to surprise her with a couch.

His heart was beating too hard again when he stepped back to see how it looked.

Bodhi nodded. "It matches the coffee table."

"Yeah," Cassian said. "It looks good." The coffee table was brown and would match with almost anything.

"I wholeheartedly concur," said Chirrut, smiling at his joke. He turned and waved at Baze. "My dear, we must be going. Wouldn't want to overstay our welcome."

"Oh, you don't have– I mean, it's not even my–"

They were gone before Cassian could finish a sentence.

Bodhi looked uncomfortable. "Um, you were my ride over here…"

"Right." Cassian dug through his pockets. "Here's the keys to Kay's car. You can drive it back to his place and pick up your car."

Bodhi blinked. "You, uh, trust me to do that?"

"Sure."

Bodhi raised his eyebrows. "You know, your car's over at Kay's, too."

"Crap. Uh, right. Um…" Honestly, Cassian was too distracted for this conversation right now. Chirrut's sudden departure was making him nervous. More nervous. The man always acted like he knew something everyone else didn't, and there had to be a reason he was so ready to leave…

He never picked up his train of thought, and Bodhi shook his head. "You know what, I'll just get an Uber." He took out his phone and walked into the hallway.

"Wait!" Cassian rushed after him. "Take the elevator. Jyn always takes the stairs."

"Okay." Bodhi pushed the button and waited.

Cassian heard footsteps a couple floors down. The elevator would take too long. And Jyn _couldn't_ see Bodhi here, or she'd know something was up. And that would ruin the surprise. And it was important that it was a _surprise_ because otherwise she might–"Actually, just hang out in my apartment."

"What?"

"Yeah, just– ten minutes. Fifteen. Give me twenty minutes and then you can come out and I'll drive you back to Kay's." Cassian barely knew what he was saying. Panic was setting in before he knew it he was practically pushing Bodhi into his apartment and then rushing back to Jyn's.

He left the door open and positioned himself in the middle of the living room, wiping sweat off his palms for probably the millionth time that day. Blood was rushing through his ears and it was getting hard to breathe. Maybe he should sit down. Maybe he should sit at the kitchen table, or maybe the couch–

No. There wasn't time. This was the plan. He planned this. He was tired of hesitating. He would take this chance. And the next one. Until the chances were spent.

 

* * *

 

Jyn felt like she was drifting. She felt raw and spent in the days after Saw's funeral, too drained to think about anything more complicated than filling the void left by the shame and anxiety that had no longer had a purpose. She pulled away from Cassian (again) after spending the night with him– _just_ sleeping– and he let her go. Somewhere in her pessimistic mindset, she expected him to fade away as well. Not literally, like Saw or her father, but… pull away, certainly.

She wouldn't blame him if he got the wrong idea when she left that morning.

But maybe there was no idea, and it was all in her head. Maybe she was imagining all of it, after everything that had happened between them.

She fiddled with her keys as she climbed the stairs. Maybe she'd run into Cassian in the hallway, and she could tell him she didn't mean it when she left that morning.

But then he'd say, _Mean what?_ And she would have to explain herself, open herself up to a world of hurt when she already felt so exposed around him.

She shook her head. It didn't matter. His car wasn't in the parking lot, so he wasn't around. He was probably out running errands or something. Buying groceries for one of his gourmet dinners, or spending time with Kes and Shara and Kay and Leia, his real friends, who really had very little to do with her…

She turned the final corner and froze. Her door was open. Why was her door open? Did someone break in? Not that she had anything worth stealing but… Was it one of the Partisans? Coming to ask her for money or drugs? Asking about Saw? About the cop she brought to the funeral?

She placed her bag carefully in the hallway and braced herself before moving carefully to the door. It almost reminded her of Wobani– the fear of corners and partially-obscured doorways.

She pushed the door all the way open with her left hand, her right hand free to strike, but there was no one around the corner, and no one behind the door, just… Cassian. Standing in the middle of the living room with–

"A couch?"

"Yes–" Cassian seemed to choke and cleared his throat. "Yes. A couch."

"You… bought me a couch?" She was frozen, halfway between the door and her living room. She had turned partially away from him and regarded him out of the corner of her eye. A strange feeling was welling up inside of her and she was afraid if she faced him, he would be able to see it.

"Yes. Well– no, not bought." He ran a hand through his hair and looked over her shoulder. "Acquired. Um– Kay– he– got… a new one. So I took this one and I…" He was stuttering again, like he did when they first met. She used to hate to think about what it meant.

"How did you get into my apartment?"

"Chirrut… but don't– you can still trust him, I think… He said I had… good energy."

"And you moved this by yourself?"

"No, I had help. From Baze… and Bodhi."

"Bodhi?"

"Yes." He flinched, as if expecting some sort of retaliation. "I'm sorry if– if he had to lie to you, this was all my idea, I just wanted…" He trailed off and stared over her other shoulder.

She swallowed. The strange feeling was rising higher. Her face felt flushed, and her lips were twitching into a smile she tried to bite back. Her eyes felt a little wet as well, which was an odd thing while smiling, but she couldn't stop it. It felt like too much, too much all at once, but not in a bad way. She forced herself to face him completely. He still seemed reluctant to look at her, but he met her eyes when she spoke. "Cassian, why did you give me your friend's couch?"

"I– well, I–" He took a deep breath. "I wanted to make you happy. I wanted you to have something nice because you deserve– you deserve to be happy. I just– yeah. I want you to be happy."

Jyn let the smile spread slowly across her face. That was what the feeling was. Genuine happiness. Joy. Cassian wasn't pulling away, but he wasn't pushing anything either, he was just– Cassian. Just doing something nice. Because he wanted to be nice. Jyn couldn't remember if someone had ever done that for her before. "I am happy," she said. "Thank you." That didn't really cover it, but she couldn't think what else to say. "It looks nice." It matched the coffee table. "It looks like… home."

Cassian was smiling, too. "Welcome home, Jyn."

 _That smile_. She didn't know if she'd ever seen it before, or if she'd ever seen it quite like that, but it seemed to pull her in, and she was moving towards him before she recognized it. She wrapped her arms around him and squeezed him tight. She had to tilt her head back to see his face, and she saw that he was looking right back at her. It was like they were on the edge again, but she couldn't be afraid.

It was impossible to say who moved first, but when they kissed it didn't matter. He was crushing her to him, but she didn't mind. Her hands were drifting up and down his back. She wished she could embrace all of him at once, root him to her she could always have _this_.

There was a noise at her doorway and she spun around, although she missed the feel of Cassian's lips almost immediately. " _Bodhi?_ "

He was blushing furiously and looking at the wall over their heads. "So I'm going to get that Uber. I, uh… suppose I'll see you later, Jyn. Or Cassian. Or both of you. Whatever." He spun around and almost tripped over himself in his haste to get to the stairs.

Jyn had no idea what he was talking about but she could ask later. Cassian hadn't let go, just changed his grip so his arms were wrapped around her waist. He bent his head so she could feel his breath on her ear. "So… I wanted to ask– if you wanted to, I could take you out for coffee. Or dinner. Or whatever you wanted."

She turned around. His arms remained around her waist, like he couldn't bear to let her go just yet. She wrapped her arms around him and clasped her hands. "No."

His expression froze and she bit her lip against a grin.

"Make me dinner in your apartment. Chilaquiles." She kissed him again as his smile returned. "Maybe I can help you."

"Help me?" He kissed her back. "Or distract me?"

"Mm…" God, she loved kissing him. She didn't know if she could ever stop. "Maybe a little of both."

 

Distracting him turned out to be way more fun than helping, and much easier. The chicken ended up slightly overdone, and some of the sauce burnt to the bottom of the pan so every so often they could taste a strip of charred tomato that had come up when Cassian frantically scraped the bottom after realizing his mistake.

Jyn still thought it was one of the best meals she'd ever had, and the sauce tasted even better on Cassian's lips.

The bowls were forgotten half-full in favor of making out on Cassian's sofa. Jyn was on top of him, and he was looking up at her like he couldn't quite believe this was real.

"I promise I won't distract you next time," she said breathlessly when his lips traveled down her neck, tongue brushing her collarbone.

"Mmm." He made a sound halfway between a growl and a moan before coming up to capture her lips again. "Don't promise that."

She leaned into him and curled her arms behind his neck. "As long as you promise me a next time."

He chuckled and pulled away to look at her, one hand brushing hair away from her cheek. "As you wish."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The end!!!
> 
> Thank you all for reading and for all your kudos and comments!! This story has been so much fun to write and I'm so glad you guys have enjoyed it. :) :)
> 
>  
> 
> Additional headcanons for this modern AU can be found [here](https://cats-and-metersticks.tumblr.com/post/170352569380/modern-au-rebelcaptain-headcanons)!

**Author's Note:**

> Thematic Playlist (or as I call it, ending credits music): 
> 
> I Miss You - Blink-182  
> Arms - Christina Perri  
> Send me On My Way - Rusted Root  
> Girl Sailor - The Shins


End file.
